The End

Attention: This is a very long post because it’s my last one!

Chapter II completed..
I just ended another chapter of my life. A chapter which lasted 13 years at the same place: school. It’s funny, as a pupil you spend more time with your schoolfellows than with your cousins and relatives. Does that turn them into sisters and brothers? I thought it does. And the result was that I spent two years trying to change my friends for the better while neglecting my studies in a way. And when I woke up it was unfortunately too late.
My grades weren’t as good as they should/could have been and the people for whom I sacrificed so much time just continued going their way in the end.

What is hurting me are not the grades themselves but the feeling that I could have achieved more than that if I only hadn’t wasted so much time believing I could change the world. And like any other mistake one has to pay a price for it. In my case, the price is pretty high: My self-esteem. Having a whole bunch of parents coming up to you and saying “Ooooh, but you were so good and got 1,1 once. What happened to you?!” just makes you about to freak out. It follows from that: as I simply can’t respect myself any more I cannot expect the people around me to do that. My luck! And again, it’s not about the numbers you get on a sheet of paper but about the effort you gave to accomplish something, which I didn’t. It’s about the attitude of seeking perfection, which I neglected. It’s about the responsibility of making something a top priority, which I forgot.
I guess I will keep torturing myself silently until I feel that I learnt from this mistake. And this nice feeling won’t occur until there are certain actions and facts which prove that things changed.

What I achieved during all these years at school..
Let’s sum it up in the no-list:
• Not hugging guys (not a single schoolfellow from my grade)
• No make-up (never used any and inshaa’ Allah not even on my wedding day)
• No love stories (because it’s simply too early for that)
• Not 'nicknaming' guys (except “7ayaty” who I called “Wafaty” after a while)
• Not giving up any principles (even if everyone detests them)
• Not departing from my word (and that’s why I will be neither talking to my schoolmates for a while nor going to the Abi-Ball.)
Not bad.. During the next months/years I will be more focusing on what I have to do than what I mustn’t do.

Regarding our graduation..
I spent most of the evening talking to parents, teachers and taking photos. I barely talked to any of my schoolfellows which isn’t really surprising me now.
I doubt that I will be talking to any of them during the next weeks because I’ll be pretty busy with my operations, university, my flat and a whole bunch of other things I couldn’t focus on while going to school.
Graduating from school isn’t just the end of a chapter but much more the beginning of a new one and there are so many things I’m looking forward to accomplishing.

Things I noticed about myself during the last years..
The worse thing about me is: I’m a last-minute-worker. I get bored when I have to study the topics of certain subjects twice and I work ten times harder and better when I’m under time pressure than when I’m relaxed. I guess my future won’t be that bright if I didn’t change that as soon as possible.
Another thing: Sometimes the only way to make me learn from mistakes is to break me. For example this time I had to broken by facing the lack of responsibility I suffer from.
I was also pretty surprised when I discovered that I cannot hate people. I can disrespect them to death but I cannot hate them. And there’s indeed a difference between hatred and disrespect: Hatred makes it almost impossible for you to talk to someone while disrespect makes it hard but not barred.

There are exactly three things which extremely nauseated me at school: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy), superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa) and hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).

Let’s start with the first one: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy)
It’s unbelievable how much absurdity and daftness you get to hear during a single day. And the worse thing is: It turned out to be infectious because you also get to hear such things by very smart and broad-minded people.
They just throw up words without thinking before talking (beyettrosho kalam). At the beginning it was driving me nuts because I usually analyse everything which is said but I had to stop that very soon because you go mad when you keep picking up all the crap which is said around you.
For example: On the last day of school you hear almost everyone saying: “Awwww.. I’m going to miss you all sooooooo much!!!!!” Ok, definition of ‘to miss someone’ please. Not available?! So be it: Awwww.. Isn’t it just great how people start to love each other when it comes to saying goodbye?! Funnily enough this love is kept inside for so many years until the last moment of saying ‘farewell’ comes.

Second thing: Superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa)
If there’s one thing almost everyone succeeds in during school then it’s superficiality! Also a characteristic of no-minded, oooops, I mean open-minded people.
You take everything easy, you don’t think twice and you just live with everything. And you start crying because you won’t see all the people you hardly ever take into consideration or talk to at school.

Third thing: Hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).
Following scenes:
There’s this girl who’s wearing something which is usually worn at home but why not? We are open-minded people… (Yeah, right!) Some say: “Wow, I love what you’re wearing!” and ten minutes later: “What a b****?! How can she wear something like this at school??” behind her back, of course.
Or another quite common situation: “You, as a couple, are soooo cuuuute. It’s amazing how he looks at you. Really, bla bla bla …” (Sorry, can’t go on because I’m about to vomit.) Anyway, a few hours after that: “I can’t believe that they do that in public. These people are so honourless, …”
You may form your own view on that but I think there’s a big difference between exaggerating in something and saying the exact opposite of what you think and feel.

The most superfluous phrases I had to hear around 3152874 times:
“You’re too harsh on yourself!” It’s totally useless to tell me that because I won’t change myself regarding this issue. I hate my weaknesses as an adolescent and I’m willing to change most of these immature characteristics which bar me from achieving what I want.
“You’re not a girl but a man!” Thanks a lot! I’m honoured. And now? Such comments will neither make me start acting and wearing things which accentuate that I’m a girl nor turn me into a guy-worshipping stupid girl (like the majority), so what’s the point of repeating it?
“Who do you think you are?” Very simple answer: Nadia.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Well, I’m stubborn because I keep my word (especially decisions) and because I’m not some moody pushover who just needs a few words from some idiot to make her completely change her mind. No, thank you!
“You’ll never get married if you stay like this!” Nice. Am I supposed to kill myself now? The funny thing is: One of the guys who often told me that said in a discussion: “This girl will most probably be the first one who’ll get married and it will only be once.” I was stunned to hear this from him. What does that show? People don’t always mean what they say or say what they think.
“Is there any way to make you a bit meeker/softer?” Depends on the person. Some casanova can be sure that I will treat him like a nobody, if not worse. A respectable person (just got to know around 10 at this school) will just get to know the real of me.
“Are you not one of us?” Hmm.. I tried to be but failed. So, thank God I’m not!
“Have you ever fallen in love before?” The old ‘I’m-a-superficial-stupid-person’ question. Well, it’s really hard to fall in love with such people. Especially when you turn out to be ‘argal’ than most of them, so I’m excused.

My newest ‘theory’: Most people’s life is mainly about admiration and attention.
For example: What’s the point of proms? To spend a special evening with your schoolmates who you love so much? If it really was just about the personal side then people wouldn’t do it in hotels and pay around 50’000 LE just to rent the place. They could just go to some nice café and spend the evening there. But noooo. It must be something big: So the girls can have their dress and make-up competition “Who’s the prettiest girl with the nicest dress?” and so the guys show how macho and charming they are “Who’s the coolest guy?”
Often it’s exactly the people who say “I don’t care what others think about me” who are seeking admiration and attention because if you tell them “Just wear this great dress or shirt at home” they say “There’s no one at home. For whom should I be wearing it?” Oh, I thought they didn’t care but looks like they do (which is humane so I’m not blaming anyone).
Grown-ups aren’t much different, e.g. weddings. Why do some couples have to pay around 70’000 LE for one night?? To announce that they are married and spend a wonderful evening with their families and friends? They could do that without throwing lots of money down the drain. Especially when you get to hear that the bride’s dress costs around 25’000 LE. Why does she need to pay so much money for a dress she’s only going to wear once only? Ok, sure.. It should be something special, but I think one shouldn’t pay so much just for one night but spare it for more events.
Another example which will be accepted as true by almost everyone: When we choose a profile picture we choose the best photo. Why? So people say: "What a nice picture." (As I said, it's normal so I'm not accusing anyone but just pointing it out.)
I know "Allaho gamil you7ebou al gamal" but when this attitude gets out of control it can be one's doom and one may become so dependent on others' opinion that he loses himself.
So, lots of our actions and thoughts are controlled by the others.

Hmmm.. What else?
My cousin asked me how many friendships I gained thanks to my school. Turned out that there are only 4 people who I regard as real, close friends. Then there is this type of people who you respect and admire a lot and who knows, maybe someday they’ll become good friends too.
During school I enjoyed the discussions with my teachers much more than with my schoolfellows because the teachers understood me better. And the best thing was that I wasn’t forced to dumb my level of conversation 10 meters down. Of course, there are some pupils with whom you can have a nice, interesting conversation but then you find weaknesses like hypocrisy or furtiveness which can be quite abhorrent.
All in all, I think besides the knowledge I won during the last 13 years I also learnt what it means and takes to remain true to oneself and stick to one’s principles. Especially if you didn’t meet a single person who shares your attitude (who’s still at school). It’s not easy but it makes you stronger and that’s a good compensation, I suppose.

So, as this was my last post I want to thank all the ones who were visiting this blog (regularly and irregularly) and for their comments!
Don’t forget to remove me from your blogroll list (if you’ve added me)! =)
Farewell!

”You’re not a girl but a man!” Hooooraaay!

Funny thing I noticed: When you tell a lad that he’s not a man he freaks out while if you tell a girl that she’s not girl it’s not that tragic although some may get hurt but unfortunately I’m not one of them.
Yesterday one of my classmates called me a ‘man’ and it was the 17236th time that someone tells me that. (“Enty mesh men el gens el na3em!/ Danty ragel! Shaklan mesh hatkallem bas sha7’seyyatan: Yalahwy!”)
And the weird thing is: I have never seen it as an insult.
And what is even weirder? I take it as a compliment.

My problem is: I usually speak my mind, even if the people will hate me for what I say. Of course I wouldn’t go to someone and tell her that her dress is ugly or something but for example if we’re discussing the organization of our Abi-prom and someone mentioned that drinking alcohol on this evening is a must he can be sure that I won’t just disagree but say lots of things which he won’t like to hear.
And this incident wasn’t just an example but it truly happened. It seems to be a tradition that people get drunk on their prom. Ok, maybe they are used to it and maybe the guys think it’s so cool and macho BUT if the ones who are so excited about this drinking thing are Muslims you cannot expect me to tolerate it, not even to accept it. Then there are these other Muslims who weren’t going to drink but didn’t mind the others to do what they want. “Everyone’s free to do whatever he wants!” Great attitude. Unfortunately this was one of the moments where I couldn't remain silent and had a big struggle with the guys. What drove me nuts wasn’t just that they are drinking though they are Muslims but more that they were announcing it so proudly.
“You can’t change the world and you can’t force to do what you think is right!” I had to hear this around 3712674th times during these two days (last years).
The part “what you think is right” is inapt because I bet there is no Muslim who would dare to tell me that drinking alcohol is justified in his religion. The least thing he can say is “I do not care!” but then he should also add “What I'm doing is wrong!” and he mustn’t let it look like what he’s doing is totally right and acceptable.
Anyway, the whole thing ended up with a clash between me and the guys and in the end I decided that I will simply not attend to my prom.
Some call me crazy “How can you skip your own prom!”, others think I’m too stubborn but I don’t see the point of attending to something which organization I don’t support.
Frankly speaking, the only two things I was looking forward to are 1) wearing my dress and 2) the last time to dance in public (another principle I’d like to add).
Number 1) will be postponed to any other suitable occasion and number 2).. Don’t know yet.

Back to the statement “You’re not a girl but a man!”.
The discussions are always quite interesting. Although “I have the shape of a girl” my character is a bit unfeminine because I’m too straightforward, because I don’t mind arguing with 10 people or more at the same time all alone and because I don’t worship guys.
Regarding the first point: Being “too straightforward”
I don’t know if it’s one of my strengths or one of my weaknesses. But I know that I can’t help it. I don’t mince matters. Besides, I usually think a lot before saying something and therefore once I take a step by saying or deciding something there’s no way back (except if it turns out later that it wasn’t the best decision after all and then I have to correct myself of course).
Second point: Being against the majority
If I’m totally sure of myself and of what I’m saying I won’t even care if the whole school is against what I’m saying. How can I be so sure that I’m right? By referring to my religion and I believe that relying on God’s rules is definitely a safer path than attaching importance to the mutable attitudes of human beings.
Third point: Not worshiping guys
I guess everyone is familiar with these self-absorbed, arrogant idiots who think they are so cool and great that they just have to click their fingers and immediately they are surrounded by a whole bunch of (stupid) girls who are willing to do anything for them. In my eyes, these are the most stupid, pathetic creatures on earth and it’s my pleasure to give them the feeling that they are nothing. Besides, I don’t face any problems saying that to them face to face. Of course, I don’t expect them to love me then but as they don’t mean anything to me I don’t really care.
My ‘friends’ were worried about me for a while that I may not be able to love a guy or get married and they are right: I will definitely (inshaa' Allah) never fall in love with one of the idiots who don’t even know what it takes ‘to be a man’ and carry responsibility.

So, if being like that makes me a 'man' I don't mind being one! ;)

Music or noise pollution?

Nowadays artists.. Ooops, I mean singers… No, one can’t even call them singers.. Ok, let’s call them pseudo-singers. What do they do? Or better: What can they afford?
Most of them were rescued thanks to the great invention called video clips. Why? Because you don’t have to sing any more but just have a great body and if you don’t you get some chicks, let them ‘dance’ and there you go with millions of dollars.
Starting from Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake to Fergie, 50 Cent and Paris Hilton.. They are ‘not exactly using their voice’ to get famous..
And then people wonder why I don’t watch music channels any more…
You may listen to their songs because of the beat or maybe it gets you in a dancing mood but after a couple of days/weeks you find yourself listening to something/someone else.
So, what can we say about most of the pseudo-singers we have right now? It’s rubbish what they’re presenting. In other words: Noise pollution.

Now a nice comparison..
If you listen to the songs of cartoons like “The Little Mermaid”, “Thumbelina” or “The Prince of Egypt” you’ll just get fascinated by the songs and the voices. The composers and the singers of the soundtracks are really admirable.
So, in movies, especially cartoons you get to hear better music than the rubbish which the music channels offers you.

Here you go with: “The Little Mermaid – Part Of Your World”

(First press play then pause and leave it until it has finished loading, so it doesn't buffer and you can enjoy it in spades.)

And now compare it with the one by Jessica Simpson (she ruined the song): (I really wonder what she was doing while singing.. Running amok?!)

Fantasy keeps us alive!

The people who get in touch with me in real life know how this word affects me.
Especially in fights (not serious ones) I start arguing with this crazy philosophy which drives everyone mad. (Sorry about that! :$)
How I see it? I think if your arguments during silly fights are so serious and realistic it gets quite boring and they can turn into real fights later. (I have to admit they do anyways but it takes a longer while that way...)

Concerning being realistic…

The world is unfair. For example it’s a joke that some stupid football player gets much more money than a teacher or an architect whose works are times more useful than shooting some ball. Also this whole bunch of rich singers who ‘aren’t exactly just using their voice’ to get famous are not worth a rush compared to craftspeople or intellectuals.
So, if you’re aware of all these unjustifiable things you can get quite deceived, depressed and pessimistic.
Coevally living in your own fancy world where almost everything is done for you and there’s nothing you have to worry about, makes you indeed relieved and content but then you’re regarded as superficial and self-seeking.

So, where’s the mid-line? Or in other words: How can you keep this mid-line?

One of the things could be taking good care of the fantasy of your childhood.
And I neither mean the dreams that you might find a white horse with wings that will fly with you above all the clouds nor that you’d be able to turn into Superman but I’m referring to the dream of a better world. A world where you can achieve anything you want. A world where there are justice and sympathy. Without the hope that someday things will be better it’s very possible that one may fall in this underworld full of desperation and despair.

But fantasy has two pros: On the one hand it cheers you up and remains the childish feelings inside of you and on the other hand it gives you the strength to carry on with the anticipation for a better world, in which creation you want to take part.
And the will that makes you try over and over again keeps you alive because there will always be something you seek or want to improve and by that you feel alive.

Some may also call it optimism… Optimism is connected to fantasy because if you look on the bride side although it’s bad what you see or you do not even know what it is going to be like you are in need of some imagination. And this positive imagination is linked to fantasy.

So: Fantasy keeps the childishness in us alive! (Or at least mine!)

Accepting changes

Well, achieving this took me almost two years.
I usually hold on to memories and the people I grew up with. But during the last years I had to face the fact that things change and that one simply can’t change that.
For example I never thought that anything could cause real problems between me and my friends and I always believed we’d stay friends at least until we graduate from school.
The last thing I imagined was being forced to give up these friendships thanks to a few guys. And that’s what happened later. But it turned out that it wasn’t the new people who had entered our lives but something which had a bigger influence. Our characters had changed. Our moral principles had changed, the way of thinking and seeing things had changed, simply everything.
I kept struggling for two years not able to accept that (which was very stupid, I know) but in the end I finally understood that you can’t always change what’s going on in your surroundings.
Sometimes all you can do is either to withdraw from it or to be capable of dealing with it.
At the beginning I was sad that things turned out the way they did. Now I’m glad about it because changes mean new things, new experiences.

I guess that’s part of being alive.
As a matter of fact, that what makes every moment so special because you have no idea how long it will last.

Guys and girls at school

What I learnt about guys and girls at school..

If you want to be a cool, popular guy you will have to:
Say swearwords, smoke, have a girlfriend and act in a superficial, cold way.

If you want to be a cool, popular girl you will have to:
Know millions of guys, have no limits towards guys, have a boyfriend and act in a superficial, “cute” (=stupid, honourless) way.

In my whole life I only met 4 girls who are not affected by this mindset and if I forget about the swearwords maybe only 2 guys but I really respected these people and I guess they were one of the reasons that made me get disgusted by this whole “I want attention, be cool and I’m ready to do anything to achieve that!” attitude while the “swimming against this current” attitude took over my life.

I wonder... (Part 1)

• ... why do people always have to scream and shout in concerts? They don't get to hear what the ''artists'' on stage are singing/playing (for what they've payed so much money) and all what they end up with is a headache.
• ... why do teachers forget that they were students themselves someday? That would help them to understand what we students have to go through.
• ... why do grown-ups forget that they were teenagers themselves someday? That would make it easier for their children to tell them everything and to avoid any secrets in a family.

Torn

Being a teenager has its pros and cons...

Pros:

• not too many responsibilities

Cons:

• mood swings
• uncontrollable thoughts and dreams
• stupid and more than stupid emotions and feelings which turn your world upside down
• immaturity
• superficiality
• stupid problems which seem so big and are actually so small

As you have noticed I see more cons regarding my age than pros and therefor I can't really enjoy this phase of my life. Knowing that some of the things I do right now are based on a lack of careful consideration drives me crazy because I know I will change my mind about them later or maybe I will even have to apologize for them. Or for example being aware of that there are huge problems in this world (just watch the news) while one has nothing better to do than focusing on his stupid meaningless problems and making a mountain out of a moleghill makes me feel pathetic. And then these annoying and superfluous emotions one has to experience in this age. They are a pure waste of time! But it's part of being a teenager.. So, what do you do?
I personally can't stand it and my main problem is: There's this huge gap between what I’m meant to be as a teenager and what I want to be as a grown-up. I don’t enjoy the life of an ordinary teenager and at the same time I can’t be a grown-up yet.

So, I’m torn between these two worlds until ...

''Don't take everything so literally!''

I've been hearing this for the last two or even three years.
Schoolmates ask me to not take everything so seriously and especially not so literally.
But what does literally mean? You rely on what's said, on the words which someone chose to express himself. How am I supposed to understand people when everything what they say is not meant literally but superficially.
Words do play a big role in our life: promises are words, speeches by politicians are words, confessions are words, etc.
So, we believe what people say and expect certain actions then. And if people's words contradict their actions then they are schizophrenic.
Back to the subject. My main problem is that I don’t understand how I’m supposed to believe people if they don’t mean everything they say. And the bigger problem is: I’m expecting people to think before they say something and because of that I always start to interpret and analyze what’s been said. This often leads to loads of misunderstandings because it usually turns out that the person who said something just said without thinking about it much. So, you don’t think before you talk  --> what you say can’t be taken seriously.
Now here comes my biggest problem: I haven’t met a single person (at my age) who’s like me regarding this subject. Even the ones who are pretty mature and smart also give comments and I keep wondering: Why did they say that? What were they thinking?
It always ends up with the same conclusion: They didn’t think at all!
And this can be quite exhausting for someone who’s always expecting people to talk sense. I guess my problem is that I sometimes think too much, trying to find the right words to express what I want to say in a way that excludes any misunderstanding. If you asked me about something I said two years ago I would still be able to give an explanation.. even if it was wrong I’d be able to explain the error in reasoning.
Of course there are certain situations in which one can overreact and you don’t take what he said personally because he was out of his mind but these situations shouldn’t become the standard.
Another crazy thing would be: I still remember certain incidents which happened 3, 6 or 9 years ago when I acted on impulse and had to bear the consequences later. To sum it up: I’m expecting too much from the people around me. Especially when I believe that there’s a hidden message or some sense in everything what’s said (do).
Can’t say that I’m willing to change that because as I said, words do play a big role in our life and if one just abstracts all the meanings of each and every word they’d get quite superfluous and meaningless. So, why still talking?

Contradictions (Part 3) *'*controlling feelings but not thoughts*'*

At school we often discussed if one could control his feelings or not.. Especially when it comes to love. I believe one can.
After all, you don't just wake up one morning and find out that you are in love.
Love is a process. A long process. It starts with respecting someone, getting to know this someone, liking this someone, getting used to talking to this someone, etc. and there's always this certain point where it is your decision if you want to give free reign to your feelings or not.
So, all in all you can control the development of your feelings.
But when it comes to keeping your thoughts under control it gets even harder than controlling your feelings because you do not really notice it.
The best example is: you’re sitting doing some German homework, then there’s this one word which you don’t understand but then you remember that this word was explained to your before, you start thinking in which context this word was explained and what had raised the topic itself, after that you start remembering the whole discussion and all what’s been said and how the topic was changed and how you began talking about something totally different… And in the end you find yourself thinking of things which don’t have anything to do with your German homework. (-.-)
During the last months I’ve really stated enjoying tracking the development of a discussion and how things are connected. It’s awesome how totally different things can be linked to each other!!!
The only thing which bothers me is that once you let your mind wander your thoughts can get so out of control that you don’t even notice that you are missing the point (and wasting time).
So, on the one hand my self-control works perfectly when it comes to controlling feelings.. but totally fails regarding thoughts.. Got to work on that! =)

Contradictions (Part 2) *'*easy but wrong*'*

In life we always try to take the easiest and most comfortable decisions..
We try to make and take it easy..
But who said life is supposed to be easy? Heaven will be an easy eternal life. But life? No!
Life is a test with lots and lots of problems and complications. And for some reason it’s always the wrong things which seem to be so easy.
What about what’s right? It’s difficult and unpleasant.
I could give you a whole list of examples, e.g.:

• lying instead of saying the truth and getting into trouble
• ignoring mistakes instead of trying to fix them
• being superficial instead of analysing things intensely, etc.

So, it’s difficult to do what’s right and easy to do what’s wrong. It follows from this that we should try to see what’s right and not what’s easy because the gap between them is enormous.
And the only way to deal with that is having a strong faith and self-discipline!

Giving up my idealism? No way! =)

During the last days, weeks, months, years I saw lots of things at school which really bothered me..
I’m not talking about the colour and fashion disasters but about the behaviour of the Egyptians.

On the one hand may I congratulate all our Egyptian couples (at school) on being worse than the Germans! You’ve really proved how open-minded you are. May I include the word "disrespectful".
There are also so many people who start analysing things in such a superficial way and then claim they know what love and friendship is: hypocrisy and pure entertainment. ><
We also have the Egyptian Muslims who are ready (sometimes forced) to say bad things about their religion and their country just to please the German teachers.
Besides it’s crazy how material most of them are: If you ask anyone what’s your aim in life: “Have a good job where you can make lots of money!” I think that is simply sad because right now it is important to see how one can fix the wrong and bad circumstances in this country.. Of course, you need money for that because: money means power, power means the ability of changing things if you’d like to but without the will itself you won’t even have the intention to change anything.
Then if I take a look at the moral principles themselves: Everyone’s just concerned about his own advantages or even amusement and doesn’t care if it’s morally/ethically right or wrong. For example when there was this alcohol-Abiball thingy..
Until now I can’t believe that there wasn’t a single person who was ready to stand up against the ones who wanted to turn this special evening into some let’s-get-drunk-evening. Either people just remained silent or they encouraged the whole thing and even said: “What’s wrong about drinking?!” That just drove me crazy and being the only one who’s arguing with more than 10 people at the same time (and a whole bunch of other people who come to you later and accuse you of ruining their perfect evening by having the intention bar them from drinking) was just unbelievable. I wished there was only one, one person who had at least said: “Ok, maybe we should try to do without it on that evening because it’s wrong anyway!” But nooo, it’s a pleasure, so, why should one admit that it’s wrong?
(By the way, special thanks to the Sphinx for the backup!)
And another things is: In order to enjoy life and have a nice time people are just ready to put up with everything ignoring the fact that accepting wrong things while not taking part in them may also have its negative effects on them.
So, there’s this huge balloon inside of me which has been filling up for quite a long time by now.

On the other hand there are these rare but very effective moments like when you pass by the school mosque and you see a whole bunch of shoes infront of it. Or when you see the younger ones criticizing what the older ones do like the hugging and smooching, etc.
In addition it's a great feeling when you grab someone’s attention to something which he’s been doing and he admits later that it was wrong and tries to stop it. It shows that you are not just living and trying to be a good person but that you also want the people around you to be good.

My schoolmates tell me I can’t change the world and are blaming me for my idealism..
They say I won’t get married if I stayed like that =D (We’ll see =P)
Even my grandmother criticized me a few times for not being able to deal with wrong things and this addiction to always wanting to better everyone around me.. But I think if you were already given the gift of knowing what’s right (mainly by sticking to your religion) then why shouldn’t you let it be of use to others? =)

Decisions regarding feelings

One of the hardest and most difficult things in life is making decisions. I'm not talking about whether you have to choose between a green or a blue shirt but about the decisions which will have effects on your life. And it gets even harder when other people are affected by these decisions.

And when it comes to feelings your whole world may turn upside down.
For example at the very beginning of any relationship there is often this one question: Should I follow my heart or think about it more intensely?
I guess I don't have to mention the whole bunch of other questions which start filling up your head until you are just about to explode. But in the end it's quite funny because if you're a teenager and you face such a situation I bet you'll laugh like hell when you're 21 or older because these things seem so naive, superficial and hilarious then.
I know lots of people who loved someone and a few years later they couldn't believe how superficial they were at that time.
Knowing that you'll laugh at yourself later makes you want to avoid such a decision because saying the three words to someone means you’re making a promise.. and if you know that you won't keep it anyways you should simply avoid saying them.. and it’s not because you’re moody but because you simply grow up and the way you analyze and interpret things totally changes (that's if you're not a hopeless case).
So, giving someone a promise you can't guarantee for life is simply stupid and irresponsible.
To make it clearer, let's say: Two people reveal to each other that they love each other and let their emotions run wild. Two years later (and they should have become more mature by then) one of them or both of them notice that this isn't the picture perfect they had in mind so they split up. If both came to the same conclusion then it's simply fine but if it's only one part who did and the other one is still falling for the other one.. Well, then it comes to the cruel and unpleasant part: One gets hurt. Of course he/she won't be lovesick forever but even if it's for a while it still hurts and there wasn't a real reason to let it come that far.
Now one could say: You can be 25 years old and find out two years later that you are not meant for each other. That's true. But in this case it won't be because you hadn't made up your mind about what kind of personality you want but because it took time until you've gotten to know each other very well and you started seeing things you didn't see at the beginning.

And I guess everyone knows how moody and capricious teenagers are.
By the way, I know I'm still a teenager too (only 2 years left to say bye bye to that) but the knowledge that most of your views will change makes it easier to accept that the time hasn't come yet to experience all the things.

All in all, I guess what I teenager like me can do is: Enjoying his life surrounded by his family and his real true friends, studying/working hard to achieve something later (have to work on that :$) and watching how life goes and develops so he gains some experiences from the surroundings!

Contradictions (Part 1) *'*dreams*'*

Life is full of contradictions. I think it is worth writing about it.. And this post will be about dreams...

When we talk about dreams we distinguish between the envisioned images, sounds, or other sensations during sleep and our wishes for the future.

Dreams are usually uncontrollable by the dreamer himself but there is one exception and it's called lucid dreaming in which a dreamer realizes that he is dreaming and is even able to control various aspects of the dream (only to a certain extent). Anyway, the funny and even positive thing about dreams is that you can do everything you want (without being rewarded or punished): fly, say things to people you never thought you'd meet, etc. So theoretically you can balance all the avoided things in real life by doing them in your dreams. But it gets quite annoying when your moral principles stay ''activated'' even when you are asleep and you cannot just free yourself from them for a while. That means you are able to control your dreams to a certain extent because even while you are sleeping your conscience is still awake and does not let you do anything which is in opposition to your ideals. As a lucid dreamer, you are sometimes able to realize while dreaming that you are dreaming which makes you even more capable of controlling your actions in the dream. So, you can control your dreams while you are asleep. What about the wishes that are supposed to come true? They are dependent on something called destiny. It follows from this that although you can influence your future by making decisions and taking certain actions you are still dependent on your destiny.

And here we come to the annoying part: You can control the dreams while you are asleep though they don't have any effect on your future but not the ones which decide on the rest of your life. Paradox...

Expecting.. Accepting..

Relationships.. Are they based on the bright sides that you are expecting and appreciating or on the shady sides which you are accepting..
I'd say it's more about the shady sides which you have to deal with because it's often harder to accept the things you don't like than to admire the things you like.
For example when people start talking about each other behind each other's back they usually talk in a negative way.. They do not count the values but the weaknesses.
For that reason I believe it's more about accepting what drives you made than about expecting certain values and finding them in that person.
It takes some (a lot of) sacrifice and self-discipline to accept people's disliked sides.
But it does not take much to expect certain things and appreciate them when they are available. So, it's often not about what you like/get but about what you don't like/get.
Taken from ----> ''Iit's not about what you know but about what you don't know.'' (Einstein)

Who's beautiful? Everyone...

As I have mentioned in the last tag I like to observe the people around me. Not just the behaviour but also the looks, cloths, etc.
And I noticed that although we always ask: ''Who's the most beautiful one...?'' one can consider that question as totally stupid because when you start analyzing a face for exmaple you may find something to criticize about the different features but as a whole and I mean the whole combination of eyes, nose, lips, profile is just unmatched. Especially when you start thinking of the 7 billion people walking around on this planet. Almost everyone has his own features and even if you find certain ones in common between some people the whole impression one gets in the end is still different and unique.
During the lessons I noticed that I considered (almost) all my classmates as good-looking because if there's something to criticize and you want to change it: How do you know that it won't be worse after changing it?!
One could argue and say: Look at all the Hollywood stars and the singers on Melody (Arabic music channel), they look great after having a cosmetic surgery and their features are just perfect. Well, they might have the perfect features but in the end you still get the impression that they look like dolls. It's even some kind of mass production because you get the feeling that they all look the same.
Plus, it's not about the perfect features but about having natural ones and I think they are usually the best and most beautiful ones!
So, I guess that means: The origin of beauty is nature!

(I guess one of the reasons for this pleasure of observing humans' and their looks is that you get to admire God's Creation more and more and just say: Sob7an Allah! ''Laqad khalaqna el ensana fi a7sana taqwim'' (Surah 95:4))

SSH Club

It's just crazy.. There are so many things which can make you jealous.
For example when you see a whole a bunch of stupid people getting too much attention..
Or when there's this person about whom you care a lot while this person gives lots of his attention to another person (that doesn't give a damn about him). Also when there's this birthday party and you are not invited while people who dislike and make fun of the birthday kid are included.
And for some reason it is usually the stupid, superficial hypocrites who get all the attention.
I have to admit that this fact drove me mad for a while because I was always wondering what would happen if they got to know the truth and what's said behind their backs.
But then I asked myself: They get a lot of attention.. But by whom? Also stupid, superficial hypocrites. So, why should that bother me??
It's a circle which includes all these people of the same character: Lying to each other while smiling, saying bad things behind each other's back without having a guilty conscience, etc..
All members of the SSH (Stupid Superficial Hypocrites) Club.

Sweet, little love.. Or is it more than that?

As we learn a lot of things at school here you go with what I learnt about love thanks to my lovely schoolmates:

''I love you! That means we have to go out regularly. You have to get me a present on Valentine's day (by the way, 10 days left). You don't have to send me any regards on Eid el Fetr, Eid el Ad7a or Eid el Aqbat but don't you dare to forget to wish me a Happy New Year. You have to call me a lot and send me sweet SMS until you have no credit. You have to hug me every day at school and give me a hello and goodbye kiss. And of course you have to spend most of your time at school with ME! As we're together don't forget to hold me in your arms, etc. infront of all the people. After all, we have to show them how much we love each other and how our love fills the world. You have to call me baby while I call you honey. In public, of course too. I trust you so much but I don't have to respect you. You can do whatever you want and I will accept everything for the sake of us being together. I love you!''

Ok, I guess these things are one of the reasons why I don't want to fall in love at all right now because I do not want to end up like that! Well, what I think of love? It's a bit different..

I love you! That means you are the missing part of my heart with whom I want to share the rest of my life. I respect you so much and the trust between us is unlimited. You prove that you love me by being concerned about my dignity and my pride because they are part of your dignity and your pride. I can rely on you for now and always and I know that you will always be there for me no matter what happened. I do not have to keep hugging you in public to prove that I love you. I do not have to get you presents or flowers (although it's still sweet to do it from time to time) to show you how much you mean to me. And I do not have to repeat the three words 24/7 so that you believe that I do. You are sure of that because it took me a long time until I said the three words (and I don't mean ''I am sorry!'' or ''I hate you!''). The day I said it I was sure that there will never be any doubts or regrets because I THOUGHT about it a lot and didn't just follow blindly some feelings that are not based on anything. I thought about if I could live with your shady sides. Well, I accept your shady sides and admire your values and moral principles. When I said that I love you it wasn't just some revelation but the commitment of my life because this step decides about the rest of my life. I decided to spend it with you!

Well, that was a bit better and included also my ideals (RESPECT, yes, I believe that you cannot trust someone without respecting him and you cannot marry someone if the relationship is not based on respect in the first place and then trust, understanding, etc.!)..

Anyway, should start with the Valentine cards for my friends. As there is no Friendino's Day I decided a year ago that Valentine's Day is also a day for friends making each other a little card or something. Just for fun, you know.
And so the singles do not get too lazy! ;D

Meaningless words & actions (-.-)

During the last two years I noticed that many words and actions have lost their true meaning.
For example..

I miss you: You hear these three words from people on Thursday because of the looong weekend which lasts 48 hours (we will see each other again on Sunday) .. But such a long period of time must be really painful and hard...

Love/luv ya: You read these two words in SMS written by people who you are not even friends with.. So, it is very touching?!
Dictionary: love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person.
I'm wondering how this feeling can exist if they are not even friends...

Hugging the whole world: Imagine the following scene: Someone who is walking around hugging anyone and everyone, including people he does not like or even really know.. What is the point of hugging such people (especially if they are not crying or in a situation which forces you to show some sympathy and compassion somehow)?!
Dictionary: hug: A close, affectionate embrace.
affectionate: Having or showing fond feelings.
So, I guess it is hard to have fond feelings for someone you hardly even know...

Going out with people you do NOT like just for the sake of going out: You know when there is some outing and you do not even respect or really like these people but you decide to go just because you want to go out.. So, outings are not gatherings for friends any more but only some entertainment tool and a way how one tries to spend his free time.. That is sooo cool...

Valentine's Day: You find people walking around saying ''I love you!'' to every talking creature who will respond ''I love you, too!''. Or people who get all the members of the other gender a rose or a piece of chocolate. Isn't that totally cute and can't you see how the world is full of love?! And why?? Because it is Valentine's Day...

Games like ''Spin the bottle'' or ''Truth or Dare'': Okay, we all know this awesome game where boys and girls often choose ''dare'' and get the famous old ''Go and kiss Mr/Ms X''.. Excuse me, since when do we kiss people just because someone orders us to do that? I thought when you kiss someone it is more because you like/love him/her than just because some idiot is seeking some entertainment...

Having a bf (boyfriend) or gf (girlfriend): What's the most important thing in a teenager's life? Finding the love of his/her life! Which cannot wait, of course.. But the thing which surprises me is that most of our lovely couples at school cannot just announce that they are together but have to show it to the whole world by the whole kissing, hugging, smooching, etc.
Sorry, we are at school! Not the exactly right place to enjoy romance to the full, I'd say?! Plus, I am afraid that it is sometimes more about grabbing attention but just to be in love...

Abi-Zeitung (Abi-schoolpaper): What do ALL/MOSTstudents write to each other as a comment in the Abi-Zeitung? Positive things, nice things, friendly things.. All in all, hypocritical stuff! But after all, we want to treasure good memories of our schoolmates, don't we...

Nice words: You know when someone is saying nice things all the time?! It is not normal! People cannot be nice all the time even if they love each other.. There are always moments of disagreeing, disapproval, etc. and if someone pretends to be nice 24/7 his nice words lose their meaning and value by time...

I bet I could find a whole bunch of other things but these examples are enough for now...

''Take it easy!''

Seven persons, who have nothing to do with each other, told me: ''Take it easy!'' in different situations.
What does that say about me? That I am making a big fuss over a lot of things...

I am convinced that my life would be much easier if I took everything easy and got a bit more ''easy-going''. But there is still a risk of becoming superficial and careless which is also negative thing.
So, I guess the best thing is to find some balance. To take big important things serious while taking the small unimportant things easy.

Wooow, I discovered two negative things about myself in 2 hours. Hallelujah!
And here we go with another goal! =)