The End

Attention: This is a very long post because it’s my last one!

Chapter II completed..
I just ended another chapter of my life. A chapter which lasted 13 years at the same place: school. It’s funny, as a pupil you spend more time with your schoolfellows than with your cousins and relatives. Does that turn them into sisters and brothers? I thought it does. And the result was that I spent two years trying to change my friends for the better while neglecting my studies in a way. And when I woke up it was unfortunately too late.
My grades weren’t as good as they should/could have been and the people for whom I sacrificed so much time just continued going their way in the end.

What is hurting me are not the grades themselves but the feeling that I could have achieved more than that if I only hadn’t wasted so much time believing I could change the world. And like any other mistake one has to pay a price for it. In my case, the price is pretty high: My self-esteem. Having a whole bunch of parents coming up to you and saying “Ooooh, but you were so good and got 1,1 once. What happened to you?!” just makes you about to freak out. It follows from that: as I simply can’t respect myself any more I cannot expect the people around me to do that. My luck! And again, it’s not about the numbers you get on a sheet of paper but about the effort you gave to accomplish something, which I didn’t. It’s about the attitude of seeking perfection, which I neglected. It’s about the responsibility of making something a top priority, which I forgot.
I guess I will keep torturing myself silently until I feel that I learnt from this mistake. And this nice feeling won’t occur until there are certain actions and facts which prove that things changed.

What I achieved during all these years at school..
Let’s sum it up in the no-list:
• Not hugging guys (not a single schoolfellow from my grade)
• No make-up (never used any and inshaa’ Allah not even on my wedding day)
• No love stories (because it’s simply too early for that)
• Not 'nicknaming' guys (except “7ayaty” who I called “Wafaty” after a while)
• Not giving up any principles (even if everyone detests them)
• Not departing from my word (and that’s why I will be neither talking to my schoolmates for a while nor going to the Abi-Ball.)
Not bad.. During the next months/years I will be more focusing on what I have to do than what I mustn’t do.

Regarding our graduation..
I spent most of the evening talking to parents, teachers and taking photos. I barely talked to any of my schoolfellows which isn’t really surprising me now.
I doubt that I will be talking to any of them during the next weeks because I’ll be pretty busy with my operations, university, my flat and a whole bunch of other things I couldn’t focus on while going to school.
Graduating from school isn’t just the end of a chapter but much more the beginning of a new one and there are so many things I’m looking forward to accomplishing.

Things I noticed about myself during the last years..
The worse thing about me is: I’m a last-minute-worker. I get bored when I have to study the topics of certain subjects twice and I work ten times harder and better when I’m under time pressure than when I’m relaxed. I guess my future won’t be that bright if I didn’t change that as soon as possible.
Another thing: Sometimes the only way to make me learn from mistakes is to break me. For example this time I had to broken by facing the lack of responsibility I suffer from.
I was also pretty surprised when I discovered that I cannot hate people. I can disrespect them to death but I cannot hate them. And there’s indeed a difference between hatred and disrespect: Hatred makes it almost impossible for you to talk to someone while disrespect makes it hard but not barred.

There are exactly three things which extremely nauseated me at school: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy), superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa) and hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).

Let’s start with the first one: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy)
It’s unbelievable how much absurdity and daftness you get to hear during a single day. And the worse thing is: It turned out to be infectious because you also get to hear such things by very smart and broad-minded people.
They just throw up words without thinking before talking (beyettrosho kalam). At the beginning it was driving me nuts because I usually analyse everything which is said but I had to stop that very soon because you go mad when you keep picking up all the crap which is said around you.
For example: On the last day of school you hear almost everyone saying: “Awwww.. I’m going to miss you all sooooooo much!!!!!” Ok, definition of ‘to miss someone’ please. Not available?! So be it: Awwww.. Isn’t it just great how people start to love each other when it comes to saying goodbye?! Funnily enough this love is kept inside for so many years until the last moment of saying ‘farewell’ comes.

Second thing: Superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa)
If there’s one thing almost everyone succeeds in during school then it’s superficiality! Also a characteristic of no-minded, oooops, I mean open-minded people.
You take everything easy, you don’t think twice and you just live with everything. And you start crying because you won’t see all the people you hardly ever take into consideration or talk to at school.

Third thing: Hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).
Following scenes:
There’s this girl who’s wearing something which is usually worn at home but why not? We are open-minded people… (Yeah, right!) Some say: “Wow, I love what you’re wearing!” and ten minutes later: “What a b****?! How can she wear something like this at school??” behind her back, of course.
Or another quite common situation: “You, as a couple, are soooo cuuuute. It’s amazing how he looks at you. Really, bla bla bla …” (Sorry, can’t go on because I’m about to vomit.) Anyway, a few hours after that: “I can’t believe that they do that in public. These people are so honourless, …”
You may form your own view on that but I think there’s a big difference between exaggerating in something and saying the exact opposite of what you think and feel.

The most superfluous phrases I had to hear around 3152874 times:
“You’re too harsh on yourself!” It’s totally useless to tell me that because I won’t change myself regarding this issue. I hate my weaknesses as an adolescent and I’m willing to change most of these immature characteristics which bar me from achieving what I want.
“You’re not a girl but a man!” Thanks a lot! I’m honoured. And now? Such comments will neither make me start acting and wearing things which accentuate that I’m a girl nor turn me into a guy-worshipping stupid girl (like the majority), so what’s the point of repeating it?
“Who do you think you are?” Very simple answer: Nadia.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Well, I’m stubborn because I keep my word (especially decisions) and because I’m not some moody pushover who just needs a few words from some idiot to make her completely change her mind. No, thank you!
“You’ll never get married if you stay like this!” Nice. Am I supposed to kill myself now? The funny thing is: One of the guys who often told me that said in a discussion: “This girl will most probably be the first one who’ll get married and it will only be once.” I was stunned to hear this from him. What does that show? People don’t always mean what they say or say what they think.
“Is there any way to make you a bit meeker/softer?” Depends on the person. Some casanova can be sure that I will treat him like a nobody, if not worse. A respectable person (just got to know around 10 at this school) will just get to know the real of me.
“Are you not one of us?” Hmm.. I tried to be but failed. So, thank God I’m not!
“Have you ever fallen in love before?” The old ‘I’m-a-superficial-stupid-person’ question. Well, it’s really hard to fall in love with such people. Especially when you turn out to be ‘argal’ than most of them, so I’m excused.

My newest ‘theory’: Most people’s life is mainly about admiration and attention.
For example: What’s the point of proms? To spend a special evening with your schoolmates who you love so much? If it really was just about the personal side then people wouldn’t do it in hotels and pay around 50’000 LE just to rent the place. They could just go to some nice café and spend the evening there. But noooo. It must be something big: So the girls can have their dress and make-up competition “Who’s the prettiest girl with the nicest dress?” and so the guys show how macho and charming they are “Who’s the coolest guy?”
Often it’s exactly the people who say “I don’t care what others think about me” who are seeking admiration and attention because if you tell them “Just wear this great dress or shirt at home” they say “There’s no one at home. For whom should I be wearing it?” Oh, I thought they didn’t care but looks like they do (which is humane so I’m not blaming anyone).
Grown-ups aren’t much different, e.g. weddings. Why do some couples have to pay around 70’000 LE for one night?? To announce that they are married and spend a wonderful evening with their families and friends? They could do that without throwing lots of money down the drain. Especially when you get to hear that the bride’s dress costs around 25’000 LE. Why does she need to pay so much money for a dress she’s only going to wear once only? Ok, sure.. It should be something special, but I think one shouldn’t pay so much just for one night but spare it for more events.
Another example which will be accepted as true by almost everyone: When we choose a profile picture we choose the best photo. Why? So people say: "What a nice picture." (As I said, it's normal so I'm not accusing anyone but just pointing it out.)
I know "Allaho gamil you7ebou al gamal" but when this attitude gets out of control it can be one's doom and one may become so dependent on others' opinion that he loses himself.
So, lots of our actions and thoughts are controlled by the others.

Hmmm.. What else?
My cousin asked me how many friendships I gained thanks to my school. Turned out that there are only 4 people who I regard as real, close friends. Then there is this type of people who you respect and admire a lot and who knows, maybe someday they’ll become good friends too.
During school I enjoyed the discussions with my teachers much more than with my schoolfellows because the teachers understood me better. And the best thing was that I wasn’t forced to dumb my level of conversation 10 meters down. Of course, there are some pupils with whom you can have a nice, interesting conversation but then you find weaknesses like hypocrisy or furtiveness which can be quite abhorrent.
All in all, I think besides the knowledge I won during the last 13 years I also learnt what it means and takes to remain true to oneself and stick to one’s principles. Especially if you didn’t meet a single person who shares your attitude (who’s still at school). It’s not easy but it makes you stronger and that’s a good compensation, I suppose.

So, as this was my last post I want to thank all the ones who were visiting this blog (regularly and irregularly) and for their comments!
Don’t forget to remove me from your blogroll list (if you’ve added me)! =)
Farewell!