The End

Attention: This is a very long post because it’s my last one!

Chapter II completed..
I just ended another chapter of my life. A chapter which lasted 13 years at the same place: school. It’s funny, as a pupil you spend more time with your schoolfellows than with your cousins and relatives. Does that turn them into sisters and brothers? I thought it does. And the result was that I spent two years trying to change my friends for the better while neglecting my studies in a way. And when I woke up it was unfortunately too late.
My grades weren’t as good as they should/could have been and the people for whom I sacrificed so much time just continued going their way in the end.

What is hurting me are not the grades themselves but the feeling that I could have achieved more than that if I only hadn’t wasted so much time believing I could change the world. And like any other mistake one has to pay a price for it. In my case, the price is pretty high: My self-esteem. Having a whole bunch of parents coming up to you and saying “Ooooh, but you were so good and got 1,1 once. What happened to you?!” just makes you about to freak out. It follows from that: as I simply can’t respect myself any more I cannot expect the people around me to do that. My luck! And again, it’s not about the numbers you get on a sheet of paper but about the effort you gave to accomplish something, which I didn’t. It’s about the attitude of seeking perfection, which I neglected. It’s about the responsibility of making something a top priority, which I forgot.
I guess I will keep torturing myself silently until I feel that I learnt from this mistake. And this nice feeling won’t occur until there are certain actions and facts which prove that things changed.

What I achieved during all these years at school..
Let’s sum it up in the no-list:
• Not hugging guys (not a single schoolfellow from my grade)
• No make-up (never used any and inshaa’ Allah not even on my wedding day)
• No love stories (because it’s simply too early for that)
• Not 'nicknaming' guys (except “7ayaty” who I called “Wafaty” after a while)
• Not giving up any principles (even if everyone detests them)
• Not departing from my word (and that’s why I will be neither talking to my schoolmates for a while nor going to the Abi-Ball.)
Not bad.. During the next months/years I will be more focusing on what I have to do than what I mustn’t do.

Regarding our graduation..
I spent most of the evening talking to parents, teachers and taking photos. I barely talked to any of my schoolfellows which isn’t really surprising me now.
I doubt that I will be talking to any of them during the next weeks because I’ll be pretty busy with my operations, university, my flat and a whole bunch of other things I couldn’t focus on while going to school.
Graduating from school isn’t just the end of a chapter but much more the beginning of a new one and there are so many things I’m looking forward to accomplishing.

Things I noticed about myself during the last years..
The worse thing about me is: I’m a last-minute-worker. I get bored when I have to study the topics of certain subjects twice and I work ten times harder and better when I’m under time pressure than when I’m relaxed. I guess my future won’t be that bright if I didn’t change that as soon as possible.
Another thing: Sometimes the only way to make me learn from mistakes is to break me. For example this time I had to broken by facing the lack of responsibility I suffer from.
I was also pretty surprised when I discovered that I cannot hate people. I can disrespect them to death but I cannot hate them. And there’s indeed a difference between hatred and disrespect: Hatred makes it almost impossible for you to talk to someone while disrespect makes it hard but not barred.

There are exactly three things which extremely nauseated me at school: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy), superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa) and hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).

Let’s start with the first one: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy)
It’s unbelievable how much absurdity and daftness you get to hear during a single day. And the worse thing is: It turned out to be infectious because you also get to hear such things by very smart and broad-minded people.
They just throw up words without thinking before talking (beyettrosho kalam). At the beginning it was driving me nuts because I usually analyse everything which is said but I had to stop that very soon because you go mad when you keep picking up all the crap which is said around you.
For example: On the last day of school you hear almost everyone saying: “Awwww.. I’m going to miss you all sooooooo much!!!!!” Ok, definition of ‘to miss someone’ please. Not available?! So be it: Awwww.. Isn’t it just great how people start to love each other when it comes to saying goodbye?! Funnily enough this love is kept inside for so many years until the last moment of saying ‘farewell’ comes.

Second thing: Superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa)
If there’s one thing almost everyone succeeds in during school then it’s superficiality! Also a characteristic of no-minded, oooops, I mean open-minded people.
You take everything easy, you don’t think twice and you just live with everything. And you start crying because you won’t see all the people you hardly ever take into consideration or talk to at school.

Third thing: Hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).
Following scenes:
There’s this girl who’s wearing something which is usually worn at home but why not? We are open-minded people… (Yeah, right!) Some say: “Wow, I love what you’re wearing!” and ten minutes later: “What a b****?! How can she wear something like this at school??” behind her back, of course.
Or another quite common situation: “You, as a couple, are soooo cuuuute. It’s amazing how he looks at you. Really, bla bla bla …” (Sorry, can’t go on because I’m about to vomit.) Anyway, a few hours after that: “I can’t believe that they do that in public. These people are so honourless, …”
You may form your own view on that but I think there’s a big difference between exaggerating in something and saying the exact opposite of what you think and feel.

The most superfluous phrases I had to hear around 3152874 times:
“You’re too harsh on yourself!” It’s totally useless to tell me that because I won’t change myself regarding this issue. I hate my weaknesses as an adolescent and I’m willing to change most of these immature characteristics which bar me from achieving what I want.
“You’re not a girl but a man!” Thanks a lot! I’m honoured. And now? Such comments will neither make me start acting and wearing things which accentuate that I’m a girl nor turn me into a guy-worshipping stupid girl (like the majority), so what’s the point of repeating it?
“Who do you think you are?” Very simple answer: Nadia.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Well, I’m stubborn because I keep my word (especially decisions) and because I’m not some moody pushover who just needs a few words from some idiot to make her completely change her mind. No, thank you!
“You’ll never get married if you stay like this!” Nice. Am I supposed to kill myself now? The funny thing is: One of the guys who often told me that said in a discussion: “This girl will most probably be the first one who’ll get married and it will only be once.” I was stunned to hear this from him. What does that show? People don’t always mean what they say or say what they think.
“Is there any way to make you a bit meeker/softer?” Depends on the person. Some casanova can be sure that I will treat him like a nobody, if not worse. A respectable person (just got to know around 10 at this school) will just get to know the real of me.
“Are you not one of us?” Hmm.. I tried to be but failed. So, thank God I’m not!
“Have you ever fallen in love before?” The old ‘I’m-a-superficial-stupid-person’ question. Well, it’s really hard to fall in love with such people. Especially when you turn out to be ‘argal’ than most of them, so I’m excused.

My newest ‘theory’: Most people’s life is mainly about admiration and attention.
For example: What’s the point of proms? To spend a special evening with your schoolmates who you love so much? If it really was just about the personal side then people wouldn’t do it in hotels and pay around 50’000 LE just to rent the place. They could just go to some nice café and spend the evening there. But noooo. It must be something big: So the girls can have their dress and make-up competition “Who’s the prettiest girl with the nicest dress?” and so the guys show how macho and charming they are “Who’s the coolest guy?”
Often it’s exactly the people who say “I don’t care what others think about me” who are seeking admiration and attention because if you tell them “Just wear this great dress or shirt at home” they say “There’s no one at home. For whom should I be wearing it?” Oh, I thought they didn’t care but looks like they do (which is humane so I’m not blaming anyone).
Grown-ups aren’t much different, e.g. weddings. Why do some couples have to pay around 70’000 LE for one night?? To announce that they are married and spend a wonderful evening with their families and friends? They could do that without throwing lots of money down the drain. Especially when you get to hear that the bride’s dress costs around 25’000 LE. Why does she need to pay so much money for a dress she’s only going to wear once only? Ok, sure.. It should be something special, but I think one shouldn’t pay so much just for one night but spare it for more events.
Another example which will be accepted as true by almost everyone: When we choose a profile picture we choose the best photo. Why? So people say: "What a nice picture." (As I said, it's normal so I'm not accusing anyone but just pointing it out.)
I know "Allaho gamil you7ebou al gamal" but when this attitude gets out of control it can be one's doom and one may become so dependent on others' opinion that he loses himself.
So, lots of our actions and thoughts are controlled by the others.

Hmmm.. What else?
My cousin asked me how many friendships I gained thanks to my school. Turned out that there are only 4 people who I regard as real, close friends. Then there is this type of people who you respect and admire a lot and who knows, maybe someday they’ll become good friends too.
During school I enjoyed the discussions with my teachers much more than with my schoolfellows because the teachers understood me better. And the best thing was that I wasn’t forced to dumb my level of conversation 10 meters down. Of course, there are some pupils with whom you can have a nice, interesting conversation but then you find weaknesses like hypocrisy or furtiveness which can be quite abhorrent.
All in all, I think besides the knowledge I won during the last 13 years I also learnt what it means and takes to remain true to oneself and stick to one’s principles. Especially if you didn’t meet a single person who shares your attitude (who’s still at school). It’s not easy but it makes you stronger and that’s a good compensation, I suppose.

So, as this was my last post I want to thank all the ones who were visiting this blog (regularly and irregularly) and for their comments!
Don’t forget to remove me from your blogroll list (if you’ve added me)! =)
Farewell!

1 week left

On the 14th of May is my oral exam in Religion and on the 17th I will finally graduate from school.
Can't wait it!
Will write a post then (most probably a long one)about all the things of this one chapter which will be ended by the graduation party.

Exploding, hurt, just everything!!!!

Setting yourself a target gives your life a meaning. Not achieving it can make you feel miserable. And that’s what I’m going through right now.
I simply failed! Failed as I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted.
And what’s worse? I won’t get a second chance to catch up. I’m done with high school, I was seeking an Abi-average better than 1.5 which is impossible now and I’m mad at myself.

I’m mad because I wasted so much time trying to solve stupid friendship problems (in which I couldn’t achieve what I wanted either!!!)
I’m mad because I know that I could have done much better than that.
I’m mad because I didn’t get a grip in time and when I still had the opportunity to make a difference.
I’m mad because some megalomaniac’s paranoia will grow more than ever before.
I’m mad because I’ll be ending this chapter of my life like that.
I’m mad because I have the feeling that I screwed up, no, it’s not a feeling, it’s a damn true fact.
I’m mad because I can’t change anything about that any more.
I’m mad because I can’t believe how I let myself get so distracted by things which I couldn’t change anyway.
I’m mad because I totally messed up.
I’m mad because although I should be happy that I’ll graduate from school soon I’d do anything to get a second chance.
I'm mad because I have lost my self-esteem.

And above all: I’m mad because I’m even wasting more time by being mad and writing this!!!!!!

Dancing

Starting from Waltz and Foxtrot to Salsa and Merengue. You get to see these dance partner forms in movies like “Shall We Dance?”, “Take the lead”, etc.
Above all: the tango. I will never understand how two people who are not in love can dance it so passionate. Couldn’t imagine myself dancing like that (if I even succeeded) except with my husband. Maybe I should add that I’ve never danced with a guy before. Learned most of the dances by watching but postponing practicing them until Prince Charming appears.
Fortunately there are still these nice songs which allow you to dance without turning it into dirty dancing or having a partner.

So, to this day I only went to 5 parties where there was some dancing. The first one was in 7th grade and I was forced to go to it because I hadn’t talked to the birthday girl for half a year and her mother had called me herself to invite me so I went and voila: It was a dancing party and my friends had to grab around 4 times to the dance floor.
Second one was the Spring Ball of our school in 9th grade. There was this dancing course in which almost the whole 9th graders (and 10th graders) had taken part. I didn’t join it because 1) I couldn’t imagine that in the end of this course I will have danced with more than 30 different guys, including the ones I disrespect and 2) the fact that there would be a distance less than 30 centimetres between me and the guy. Actually it’s the same like the no-hug-guys-principle. And both weren’t rules which I forced myself to follow but it came naturally and I just couldn’t be something else then. Anyway, I went to the ball to see my friends and after their performance there was music to which everyone could dance so I just joined them.
In 11th grade there was this birthday party of a schoolmate. It was a disco party in the middle of Ramadan and I really didn’t feel like going or dancing at all but I had to go (as he’s a relative too) but was quite tense and couldn’t really dance.
In the second term of 11th grade an exchange student who I really liked gave her farewell party and it was a great evening, excluding that most of us could neither walk nor hear anything for hours after it.
The last occasion where I danced a bit, to be more precisely: for 6 minutes was the Abi-Ball 2006.
That’s all, except these occasions I never went to any dancing thingy because I neither go to discos nor to any clubs.

I was determined that my Abi-Ball would be the last ‘dance-in-public’ evening but as I’m not going any more I guess I will just implement this new principle right away.

”You’re not a girl but a man!” Hooooraaay!

Funny thing I noticed: When you tell a lad that he’s not a man he freaks out while if you tell a girl that she’s not girl it’s not that tragic although some may get hurt but unfortunately I’m not one of them.
Yesterday one of my classmates called me a ‘man’ and it was the 17236th time that someone tells me that. (“Enty mesh men el gens el na3em!/ Danty ragel! Shaklan mesh hatkallem bas sha7’seyyatan: Yalahwy!”)
And the weird thing is: I have never seen it as an insult.
And what is even weirder? I take it as a compliment.

My problem is: I usually speak my mind, even if the people will hate me for what I say. Of course I wouldn’t go to someone and tell her that her dress is ugly or something but for example if we’re discussing the organization of our Abi-prom and someone mentioned that drinking alcohol on this evening is a must he can be sure that I won’t just disagree but say lots of things which he won’t like to hear.
And this incident wasn’t just an example but it truly happened. It seems to be a tradition that people get drunk on their prom. Ok, maybe they are used to it and maybe the guys think it’s so cool and macho BUT if the ones who are so excited about this drinking thing are Muslims you cannot expect me to tolerate it, not even to accept it. Then there are these other Muslims who weren’t going to drink but didn’t mind the others to do what they want. “Everyone’s free to do whatever he wants!” Great attitude. Unfortunately this was one of the moments where I couldn't remain silent and had a big struggle with the guys. What drove me nuts wasn’t just that they are drinking though they are Muslims but more that they were announcing it so proudly.
“You can’t change the world and you can’t force to do what you think is right!” I had to hear this around 3712674th times during these two days (last years).
The part “what you think is right” is inapt because I bet there is no Muslim who would dare to tell me that drinking alcohol is justified in his religion. The least thing he can say is “I do not care!” but then he should also add “What I'm doing is wrong!” and he mustn’t let it look like what he’s doing is totally right and acceptable.
Anyway, the whole thing ended up with a clash between me and the guys and in the end I decided that I will simply not attend to my prom.
Some call me crazy “How can you skip your own prom!”, others think I’m too stubborn but I don’t see the point of attending to something which organization I don’t support.
Frankly speaking, the only two things I was looking forward to are 1) wearing my dress and 2) the last time to dance in public (another principle I’d like to add).
Number 1) will be postponed to any other suitable occasion and number 2).. Don’t know yet.

Back to the statement “You’re not a girl but a man!”.
The discussions are always quite interesting. Although “I have the shape of a girl” my character is a bit unfeminine because I’m too straightforward, because I don’t mind arguing with 10 people or more at the same time all alone and because I don’t worship guys.
Regarding the first point: Being “too straightforward”
I don’t know if it’s one of my strengths or one of my weaknesses. But I know that I can’t help it. I don’t mince matters. Besides, I usually think a lot before saying something and therefore once I take a step by saying or deciding something there’s no way back (except if it turns out later that it wasn’t the best decision after all and then I have to correct myself of course).
Second point: Being against the majority
If I’m totally sure of myself and of what I’m saying I won’t even care if the whole school is against what I’m saying. How can I be so sure that I’m right? By referring to my religion and I believe that relying on God’s rules is definitely a safer path than attaching importance to the mutable attitudes of human beings.
Third point: Not worshiping guys
I guess everyone is familiar with these self-absorbed, arrogant idiots who think they are so cool and great that they just have to click their fingers and immediately they are surrounded by a whole bunch of (stupid) girls who are willing to do anything for them. In my eyes, these are the most stupid, pathetic creatures on earth and it’s my pleasure to give them the feeling that they are nothing. Besides, I don’t face any problems saying that to them face to face. Of course, I don’t expect them to love me then but as they don’t mean anything to me I don’t really care.
My ‘friends’ were worried about me for a while that I may not be able to love a guy or get married and they are right: I will definitely (inshaa' Allah) never fall in love with one of the idiots who don’t even know what it takes ‘to be a man’ and carry responsibility.

So, if being like that makes me a 'man' I don't mind being one! ;)

Accepting changes

Well, achieving this took me almost two years.
I usually hold on to memories and the people I grew up with. But during the last years I had to face the fact that things change and that one simply can’t change that.
For example I never thought that anything could cause real problems between me and my friends and I always believed we’d stay friends at least until we graduate from school.
The last thing I imagined was being forced to give up these friendships thanks to a few guys. And that’s what happened later. But it turned out that it wasn’t the new people who had entered our lives but something which had a bigger influence. Our characters had changed. Our moral principles had changed, the way of thinking and seeing things had changed, simply everything.
I kept struggling for two years not able to accept that (which was very stupid, I know) but in the end I finally understood that you can’t always change what’s going on in your surroundings.
Sometimes all you can do is either to withdraw from it or to be capable of dealing with it.
At the beginning I was sad that things turned out the way they did. Now I’m glad about it because changes mean new things, new experiences.

I guess that’s part of being alive.
As a matter of fact, that what makes every moment so special because you have no idea how long it will last.

Guys and girls at school

What I learnt about guys and girls at school..

If you want to be a cool, popular guy you will have to:
Say swearwords, smoke, have a girlfriend and act in a superficial, cold way.

If you want to be a cool, popular girl you will have to:
Know millions of guys, have no limits towards guys, have a boyfriend and act in a superficial, “cute” (=stupid, honourless) way.

In my whole life I only met 4 girls who are not affected by this mindset and if I forget about the swearwords maybe only 2 guys but I really respected these people and I guess they were one of the reasons that made me get disgusted by this whole “I want attention, be cool and I’m ready to do anything to achieve that!” attitude while the “swimming against this current” attitude took over my life.

"I absorb every shock, except that of defeat."

I took this picture in an airport in 2006 and noticed that it describes my attitude in life quite well.

By defeat I don't mean when you lose in chess or a swimming competition but not being able to beat certain weaknesses or shady sides of your personality.
Especially when the self-control isn't doing its job as well as it should any more. I hate that! And I'm not really patient regarding such things.
Some say that everything comes and goes and it’s just a matter of time but who said that I’m willing to wait until Ms Weakness decides to get lost?!

You find lots of people saying one's main purpose in life is to enjoy it as much as he can. Things like self-control or self-discipline are seen as killjoys and are rather neglected than strengthened. Maybe leading such a life could be regarded as much easier and comfortable but also as hollow, in my opinion.
Defeating your own shady sides is one of the most difficult things in life but coevally an incomparable and unique feeling when you succeed.
I personally consider it as the maximum of gratification when you prove that you’re stronger than the ordinary weaknesses of human nature and that you can achieve everything you want.
That also explains why I execrate dealing with one shady side for too long. I neither have the patience nor anything else to get along with the same stupid weakness.
And the longer it takes to get rid of it the more I can’t stand myself.

Such a life might not look bright but it bears a meaning because you’re not just living to sleep, eat and try to survive (humans: by making money, animals: get yourself a biology book) but there’s something that differs you, as a human being, from all the other creatures: The ability of analysing your character and not just getting along with your weaknesses but taking it as a challenge to defeat them.
The main aim is accomplishing perfection. And although you know that achieving this perfection is impossible you keep striving and don’t give up which guarantees you a life full of provocations and spares you any feelings of hollowness or meaninglessness.

Some people say that there are certain things e.g. the stupid weird feelings one has to experience in adolescence which take time and you can’t just smooth them out at a moment’s notice.
Guess what? I believe one can. It truly takes a tremendous volition and one may fail a few times at the beginning but … Who knows? Maybe it just depends on the courage of facing the problem and then being determined to solve it.

And where there’s a will, there’s also a way! =)

Torn

Being a teenager has its pros and cons...

Pros:

• not too many responsibilities

Cons:

• mood swings
• uncontrollable thoughts and dreams
• stupid and more than stupid emotions and feelings which turn your world upside down
• immaturity
• superficiality
• stupid problems which seem so big and are actually so small

As you have noticed I see more cons regarding my age than pros and therefor I can't really enjoy this phase of my life. Knowing that some of the things I do right now are based on a lack of careful consideration drives me crazy because I know I will change my mind about them later or maybe I will even have to apologize for them. Or for example being aware of that there are huge problems in this world (just watch the news) while one has nothing better to do than focusing on his stupid meaningless problems and making a mountain out of a moleghill makes me feel pathetic. And then these annoying and superfluous emotions one has to experience in this age. They are a pure waste of time! But it's part of being a teenager.. So, what do you do?
I personally can't stand it and my main problem is: There's this huge gap between what I’m meant to be as a teenager and what I want to be as a grown-up. I don’t enjoy the life of an ordinary teenager and at the same time I can’t be a grown-up yet.

So, I’m torn between these two worlds until ...

Farewell 12.2 (exams & tests)!!! \(^o^)/

WE ARE FINALLY DONE WITH ALL THE EXAMS AND TESTS OF 12.2 (second term of twelfth grade)!!! Hoooooooooooorrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!! \(^o^)/

I'm so happy.. And we're going on holiday now..
I personally will relax, meet cousins and friends who I haven't seen for quite a long time (because of the stupid exams) and study a bit for the oral exam then.
Oh right, I forgot to mention that it turned out that I have a talisman now! ;)

Anyway, I wish all the students of Abi 2007 nice, enjoyable and stressless holidays! =)

Something's back \(^v^)/!

It's back! It's finally back!
In my previous post I wrote about this certain sentiment which was missing for such a long time and now: It's back!
Any reasons for that? Sure there are.
In 10th grade I got my first E in a physics exam (was getting As and Bs in the former year). So this was a SHOCK!
And until today I nearly messed up every single physics exam or at least I couldn't achieve any more Bs. So this was SHOCK NO 2!
Besides, what really bothered me wasn't the grade itself but more the feeling when you're sitting there and you don’t have a clue what to write! This is an awful feeling and I prefer to know all the solutions and don't have enough time to write them down than sitting there not knowing what the solution even is.
Well, today it was different: I was able to solve almost all the problems and as usual I was in need for 10 more minutes to be able to write everything down. Now, I don't care if I will get a B or a C or whatever because I got something which is even better:
I've reprised my self-confidence regarding achieving things and right now I feel I could even reach for the stars up there! (Even wrote a poem about that!)
So, this special certain feeling is back! =)
Another proof? While doing the chemistry homework I didn’t just do what we’re asked for but even more and I was interested and this interest in knowing more than what's required was one of the features of the this feeling I had in 9th grade. So happy! =)
Looks like I had to let it out by writing about it so it returns! =D
Three years.. Will never let it go again, inshaa’ Allah!

Something's missing! (><)

I was watching some of my old Sailor Moon episodes which I had recorded 5 years ago while having lunch today. Then I remembered how all these Anime series had such a huge effect on me. From Sailor Moon, Dragon Balls and Monster Rancher to Jeanne, Detective Conan and Inuyasha.. I loved that world and there was this certain special sentiment/feeling.
This sentiment helped me to achieve all my goals in 9th grade regarding grades and my social life.
During the last two years I have totally lost this sentiment. And the last two years also proved that I won’t be able to get back to this phase in which I was capable of accomplishing everything I was seeking unless I get this feeling back.
Now, how do you get a certain sentiment back?
I know this whole thing might sound stupid and crazy but there’s always this motivation which encourages you and doesn’t let you lose hope. Once this motivation is lost one gets pretty indolent. And I just hate being like that!!! (><)
I miss this old motivation and I really hope that things will get back to normal (normal = successful phase) as soon as possible because my life cannot go on like that!

Giving up my idealism? No way! =)

During the last days, weeks, months, years I saw lots of things at school which really bothered me..
I’m not talking about the colour and fashion disasters but about the behaviour of the Egyptians.

On the one hand may I congratulate all our Egyptian couples (at school) on being worse than the Germans! You’ve really proved how open-minded you are. May I include the word "disrespectful".
There are also so many people who start analysing things in such a superficial way and then claim they know what love and friendship is: hypocrisy and pure entertainment. ><
We also have the Egyptian Muslims who are ready (sometimes forced) to say bad things about their religion and their country just to please the German teachers.
Besides it’s crazy how material most of them are: If you ask anyone what’s your aim in life: “Have a good job where you can make lots of money!” I think that is simply sad because right now it is important to see how one can fix the wrong and bad circumstances in this country.. Of course, you need money for that because: money means power, power means the ability of changing things if you’d like to but without the will itself you won’t even have the intention to change anything.
Then if I take a look at the moral principles themselves: Everyone’s just concerned about his own advantages or even amusement and doesn’t care if it’s morally/ethically right or wrong. For example when there was this alcohol-Abiball thingy..
Until now I can’t believe that there wasn’t a single person who was ready to stand up against the ones who wanted to turn this special evening into some let’s-get-drunk-evening. Either people just remained silent or they encouraged the whole thing and even said: “What’s wrong about drinking?!” That just drove me crazy and being the only one who’s arguing with more than 10 people at the same time (and a whole bunch of other people who come to you later and accuse you of ruining their perfect evening by having the intention bar them from drinking) was just unbelievable. I wished there was only one, one person who had at least said: “Ok, maybe we should try to do without it on that evening because it’s wrong anyway!” But nooo, it’s a pleasure, so, why should one admit that it’s wrong?
(By the way, special thanks to the Sphinx for the backup!)
And another things is: In order to enjoy life and have a nice time people are just ready to put up with everything ignoring the fact that accepting wrong things while not taking part in them may also have its negative effects on them.
So, there’s this huge balloon inside of me which has been filling up for quite a long time by now.

On the other hand there are these rare but very effective moments like when you pass by the school mosque and you see a whole bunch of shoes infront of it. Or when you see the younger ones criticizing what the older ones do like the hugging and smooching, etc.
In addition it's a great feeling when you grab someone’s attention to something which he’s been doing and he admits later that it was wrong and tries to stop it. It shows that you are not just living and trying to be a good person but that you also want the people around you to be good.

My schoolmates tell me I can’t change the world and are blaming me for my idealism..
They say I won’t get married if I stayed like that =D (We’ll see =P)
Even my grandmother criticized me a few times for not being able to deal with wrong things and this addiction to always wanting to better everyone around me.. But I think if you were already given the gift of knowing what’s right (mainly by sticking to your religion) then why shouldn’t you let it be of use to others? =)

One year after Pupa's death

It’s been a year now..
I woke up on a Saturday (11/03/06) Ahmed standing there and I’m like: “What’s wrong?” And he just said: “He rests in peace now!”
The first thing I thought about was how my grandmother was doing.
It was a surprise, no, it was a shock.
He was supposed to get out of hospital on that day and go back home. I thought I would wake up and just find him there making fun of me because I woke up so late as usual.
And all the habits just faded away by this one sentence: He rests in peace now! It was my first time to deal with the death of a very beloved person and when I look at the circumstances: I wasn’t talking to my friends, I had some exams coming up, I had no idea how to deal with the situation and I just hated staying at home.
Everyone was expecting me to be strong as usual and to help my grandmother.
Point was: I didn’t know how.. I had to become strong myself to be able to support her then.
Positive experience? During the first two weeks I would definitely have said: No. But when almost one month had passed I noticed that there’s nothing like: I can’t live without him or such things. Because you can always go on and one of God’s gifts is the ability of forgetting (Wa ma someya el ensan ensanan ellah le nesyaneh). I didn’t forget that he died but I forgot to think of him every day.. His absence became normal.. Today, a year ago, I thought things would never get back to normal.. Now here I am standing leading my life as I did before. The only thing is: I still don’t get the meaning of: He’s dead. It’s like he’s on a looong trip but I may see him one day. Sounds stupid..
When I visited his grave a few months agoI started crying indeed but I couldn’t imagine him buried under the ground there. All I know, he’s not there any more.
And I still have no idea how I will deal with my grandmother’s death..
She’s the one who really showed me what it means to have someone who cares about you and who wants to bring out the best in you. Yes, she can really replace a whole family.
People always tell me: “Don’t think about her death now, don’t think, don’t think!” But I just have to.. because it’s real.. And it will be real someday.
I’m not planning it, I’m not looking forward to it but I’m taking it into consideration and just hope that.. Hmmm.. I won’t say I don’t want her to die because that would be selfish. I regard death as a setting free from the troubles and worries of life.
It’s hard for the ones who are left behind but it’s only a matter of time until these people just get carried away from the troubles and worries of life they will have to face now too.
And as long as you have people around you, people you love and people who love you, one’s able to deal with such situations quite well.

I’d like to mention that the only really bright side of this incident was how my relationship with Mona developed. It’s crazy.. It’s often the bad times which let new or people you don’t see that often enter your life..
I would also like to thank Nada, Nourhan, Yomna and Nermin.. You really helped me at that time! :)

So, I guess all I can say now is: May he rest in peace! Allah yerhammoh!

How I deal with my anger

There are many ways how one deals with his anger and tries to calm himself.. Mine is very simple:

• I go to my keyboard and start playing (for some reason I have to be upset to play well)
• I order Cinnabon
• I write a song
• I watch South Park or Shrek or anything else which makes me laugh
• I waste my time and don't do my homework (very bad I know)
• I just close my eyes and try to review all the incidents which made me mad and try to accept them (which doesn't make me happier but calmer)
• I listen to music (volume up) d-.-b

Writing this post also helped a bit..

Greetings

Ok, as I am sitting here in my room and I can't do anything to help you out there (Believe me, that feels terrible!!!) I thought the least thing I could do is writing you a post wishing you:

GOOD, GOOD LUCK! AND DON'T WORRY, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE INSHAA' ALLAH!!! =)

Talking is Au (gold)? No, Ag (silver)?

There is an Egyptian proverb ''If talking was silver then remaining silent is gold!''.
Well, as I am not on speaking terms with some people I can just say: One cannot generalize it!!
Sometimes the gap grows in relationships/friendships by each word that is not said. And what is even worse? When you cannot do anything about it! Because it is simply pointless and it will not change anything!

On the other hand, I noticed that I will become a member of this ''Share Your Problems With The Whole World (without taking into consideration that YOU will be the problem very soon)'' organization if I did not start dealing with my conflicts all alone. Of course, other's advice is very useful and even necessary but not all the time. Making your own mistakes is still a must!

So, here I go with another thing to be ''corrected'' regarding my personality.
Inshaa' Allah I will succeed in that one too.. Wouldn't be the first shady side..

Strange mood

You know when you feel happy, worried, mad, excited and confused at the same time?
Well, it's a weird combination but every single feeling has its reason:

I'm happy that my social life has reached its optimum el 7amdulellah.
I'm worried because there are signs for the death of a very beloved person.. Plus, it's the most important person in my life.
I'm mad because of that stupid chemistry exam which was really difficult.
I'm excited about graduating from school and starting university.
I'm confused because during the last days I'm not so sure of what I want any more.

Just a phase.. After the exams, I guess..
Anyway, let's hope everything will be fine inshaa' Allah!

Spent 567'648'000 seconds on this planet!

6th of January, 1990

Well, that was 536'112'000 seconds ago. And now I'm finally of age! =D

And when I look back I notice that during the last 567'648'000 seconds I spent:

• 409'968'000 seconds going to the German school in Cairo (that would be 72% of my life!)
• 63'072'000 seconds doing the stupid Abitur (If I included 10th grade it would be 94'608'000 seconds)
• 157'680'000 seconds living continuously at my Grandma's place
• 220'752'000 seconds loving Anime and Mangas
• And 2'400 seconds on the following:

May I present you my new logo. You will find all the letters of my name written in it! ;)

Why I waited until 10:10 AM?
Well, I was on born on a Friday at 10:10 AM! So, NOW I can consider myself as really 18! ;)

Now about today's highlights:

• I will get the keys of the flat (FINALLY!)
• I will get my ID card (for some reason my Grandma was convinced that I will lose it?!) (-.-)
• Amr is coming! =) (relative who lived in the US and I haven't seen him for 3 years!)
• my Grandma was talking about some surprise.. We'll see what it is =)

And will any party take place? Nooooo. Not in need of it as my family has already celebrated my birthday on New Year's Eve and that was the best evening (party?) ever!

(That would be 2040 seconds writing this post! =D But blogger writes the time when I have started writing it.)
That means 9:36 AM + 34 minutes = 10:10 AM ;)

Thank you so much for everything!

(This post is dedicated to my family.)

We were invited at my aunt's place because it was the second day of Eid. And after having dinner there was a huge cake and it turned out that it is for the ones whose birthdays are in January.. That would be me and my Grandmother in the first place and then 3 other family members. And we even got presents. (It was adorable, thank you!)
I was really, really touched and I guess I won't be in need for doing anything on my birthday any more.
Then when it was about 12 my cousins weren't there.. And I was freaking out because I really wanted to do that counting thingy for the first time in my life! But they made it in time and arrived at 11:57pm. So, we did the counting thingy and it was just amazing to start the new year surrounded by the family .
It was a wonderful evening (+night) and I really enjoyed it!

Thank you all so much for everything, the birthday cake was perfect.
No, no, you're perfect and I feel honoured to be part of this family!

Love you all,
Nadia