One year after Pupa's death

It’s been a year now..
I woke up on a Saturday (11/03/06) Ahmed standing there and I’m like: “What’s wrong?” And he just said: “He rests in peace now!”
The first thing I thought about was how my grandmother was doing.
It was a surprise, no, it was a shock.
He was supposed to get out of hospital on that day and go back home. I thought I would wake up and just find him there making fun of me because I woke up so late as usual.
And all the habits just faded away by this one sentence: He rests in peace now! It was my first time to deal with the death of a very beloved person and when I look at the circumstances: I wasn’t talking to my friends, I had some exams coming up, I had no idea how to deal with the situation and I just hated staying at home.
Everyone was expecting me to be strong as usual and to help my grandmother.
Point was: I didn’t know how.. I had to become strong myself to be able to support her then.
Positive experience? During the first two weeks I would definitely have said: No. But when almost one month had passed I noticed that there’s nothing like: I can’t live without him or such things. Because you can always go on and one of God’s gifts is the ability of forgetting (Wa ma someya el ensan ensanan ellah le nesyaneh). I didn’t forget that he died but I forgot to think of him every day.. His absence became normal.. Today, a year ago, I thought things would never get back to normal.. Now here I am standing leading my life as I did before. The only thing is: I still don’t get the meaning of: He’s dead. It’s like he’s on a looong trip but I may see him one day. Sounds stupid..
When I visited his grave a few months agoI started crying indeed but I couldn’t imagine him buried under the ground there. All I know, he’s not there any more.
And I still have no idea how I will deal with my grandmother’s death..
She’s the one who really showed me what it means to have someone who cares about you and who wants to bring out the best in you. Yes, she can really replace a whole family.
People always tell me: “Don’t think about her death now, don’t think, don’t think!” But I just have to.. because it’s real.. And it will be real someday.
I’m not planning it, I’m not looking forward to it but I’m taking it into consideration and just hope that.. Hmmm.. I won’t say I don’t want her to die because that would be selfish. I regard death as a setting free from the troubles and worries of life.
It’s hard for the ones who are left behind but it’s only a matter of time until these people just get carried away from the troubles and worries of life they will have to face now too.
And as long as you have people around you, people you love and people who love you, one’s able to deal with such situations quite well.

I’d like to mention that the only really bright side of this incident was how my relationship with Mona developed. It’s crazy.. It’s often the bad times which let new or people you don’t see that often enter your life..
I would also like to thank Nada, Nourhan, Yomna and Nermin.. You really helped me at that time! :)

So, I guess all I can say now is: May he rest in peace! Allah yerhammoh!