What do you do when ...

… you are about to explode?
You wait until it is dark so that the people around you can enjoy a nice firework.

… you are about to commit suicide because some people make you feel miserable?
You just go and kill them so after it everything’s alright again.

… a giant wasp is in your room and there’s no one at home who can take care of it?
You have the perfect excuse to go and watch TV in your grandmother’s room as the wasp is sitting on your books and you’re too afraid to draw near.

… someone asks you why you can’t be quiet for a while?
You explain to him that you don’t have an absolute refractory period (Refrektärzeit).

… someone pities the person you will marry someday?
You tell him as he seem to be such a generous and good person you will marry him (the person who just said that) so no one else has to suffer.

… someone says that he wants to cut off your tongue so you finally shut up and can’t talk any more?
You tell him that it is useless because it will regenerate again like the lost limbs of a salamander.
And if he continues and says that he wants to cut off your head then you can refer to Hercules’ hydra and that each time he’ll cut off a head there will be three growing back. So, he’d better think about it again.

… you are about to fall asleep and someone comes in and asks you if you’re still awake?
You simply say no.

… someone who is not even your friend and asks you if you’re in love with someone or not?
You tell him that it’s him (the person who asks) and that it’s funny because you just noticed it.

… someone is getting on your nerves?
First you should warn him that he’s about to exceed your value of threshold (Schwellenwert) and that it can get quite dangerous and uncomfortable if he made you reach your action potential (Aktionspotential).

… someone is asking all the time: Does someone have a pencil for meeee? (emphasis on the ‘e’) (It’s usually the idiots you have in class.)
You tell him that you’d have one for everyone else except him.

Ok then, I guess that’s enough for now..