The End

Attention: This is a very long post because it’s my last one!

Chapter II completed..
I just ended another chapter of my life. A chapter which lasted 13 years at the same place: school. It’s funny, as a pupil you spend more time with your schoolfellows than with your cousins and relatives. Does that turn them into sisters and brothers? I thought it does. And the result was that I spent two years trying to change my friends for the better while neglecting my studies in a way. And when I woke up it was unfortunately too late.
My grades weren’t as good as they should/could have been and the people for whom I sacrificed so much time just continued going their way in the end.

What is hurting me are not the grades themselves but the feeling that I could have achieved more than that if I only hadn’t wasted so much time believing I could change the world. And like any other mistake one has to pay a price for it. In my case, the price is pretty high: My self-esteem. Having a whole bunch of parents coming up to you and saying “Ooooh, but you were so good and got 1,1 once. What happened to you?!” just makes you about to freak out. It follows from that: as I simply can’t respect myself any more I cannot expect the people around me to do that. My luck! And again, it’s not about the numbers you get on a sheet of paper but about the effort you gave to accomplish something, which I didn’t. It’s about the attitude of seeking perfection, which I neglected. It’s about the responsibility of making something a top priority, which I forgot.
I guess I will keep torturing myself silently until I feel that I learnt from this mistake. And this nice feeling won’t occur until there are certain actions and facts which prove that things changed.

What I achieved during all these years at school..
Let’s sum it up in the no-list:
• Not hugging guys (not a single schoolfellow from my grade)
• No make-up (never used any and inshaa’ Allah not even on my wedding day)
• No love stories (because it’s simply too early for that)
• Not 'nicknaming' guys (except “7ayaty” who I called “Wafaty” after a while)
• Not giving up any principles (even if everyone detests them)
• Not departing from my word (and that’s why I will be neither talking to my schoolmates for a while nor going to the Abi-Ball.)
Not bad.. During the next months/years I will be more focusing on what I have to do than what I mustn’t do.

Regarding our graduation..
I spent most of the evening talking to parents, teachers and taking photos. I barely talked to any of my schoolfellows which isn’t really surprising me now.
I doubt that I will be talking to any of them during the next weeks because I’ll be pretty busy with my operations, university, my flat and a whole bunch of other things I couldn’t focus on while going to school.
Graduating from school isn’t just the end of a chapter but much more the beginning of a new one and there are so many things I’m looking forward to accomplishing.

Things I noticed about myself during the last years..
The worse thing about me is: I’m a last-minute-worker. I get bored when I have to study the topics of certain subjects twice and I work ten times harder and better when I’m under time pressure than when I’m relaxed. I guess my future won’t be that bright if I didn’t change that as soon as possible.
Another thing: Sometimes the only way to make me learn from mistakes is to break me. For example this time I had to broken by facing the lack of responsibility I suffer from.
I was also pretty surprised when I discovered that I cannot hate people. I can disrespect them to death but I cannot hate them. And there’s indeed a difference between hatred and disrespect: Hatred makes it almost impossible for you to talk to someone while disrespect makes it hard but not barred.

There are exactly three things which extremely nauseated me at school: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy), superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa) and hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).

Let’s start with the first one: Absurdity (ar3 rasmy)
It’s unbelievable how much absurdity and daftness you get to hear during a single day. And the worse thing is: It turned out to be infectious because you also get to hear such things by very smart and broad-minded people.
They just throw up words without thinking before talking (beyettrosho kalam). At the beginning it was driving me nuts because I usually analyse everything which is said but I had to stop that very soon because you go mad when you keep picking up all the crap which is said around you.
For example: On the last day of school you hear almost everyone saying: “Awwww.. I’m going to miss you all sooooooo much!!!!!” Ok, definition of ‘to miss someone’ please. Not available?! So be it: Awwww.. Isn’t it just great how people start to love each other when it comes to saying goodbye?! Funnily enough this love is kept inside for so many years until the last moment of saying ‘farewell’ comes.

Second thing: Superficiality (sat7eyya 3ala a3la mostawa)
If there’s one thing almost everyone succeeds in during school then it’s superficiality! Also a characteristic of no-minded, oooops, I mean open-minded people.
You take everything easy, you don’t think twice and you just live with everything. And you start crying because you won’t see all the people you hardly ever take into consideration or talk to at school.

Third thing: Hypocrisy (nefaq be gayzet sharaf).
Following scenes:
There’s this girl who’s wearing something which is usually worn at home but why not? We are open-minded people… (Yeah, right!) Some say: “Wow, I love what you’re wearing!” and ten minutes later: “What a b****?! How can she wear something like this at school??” behind her back, of course.
Or another quite common situation: “You, as a couple, are soooo cuuuute. It’s amazing how he looks at you. Really, bla bla bla …” (Sorry, can’t go on because I’m about to vomit.) Anyway, a few hours after that: “I can’t believe that they do that in public. These people are so honourless, …”
You may form your own view on that but I think there’s a big difference between exaggerating in something and saying the exact opposite of what you think and feel.

The most superfluous phrases I had to hear around 3152874 times:
“You’re too harsh on yourself!” It’s totally useless to tell me that because I won’t change myself regarding this issue. I hate my weaknesses as an adolescent and I’m willing to change most of these immature characteristics which bar me from achieving what I want.
“You’re not a girl but a man!” Thanks a lot! I’m honoured. And now? Such comments will neither make me start acting and wearing things which accentuate that I’m a girl nor turn me into a guy-worshipping stupid girl (like the majority), so what’s the point of repeating it?
“Who do you think you are?” Very simple answer: Nadia.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” Well, I’m stubborn because I keep my word (especially decisions) and because I’m not some moody pushover who just needs a few words from some idiot to make her completely change her mind. No, thank you!
“You’ll never get married if you stay like this!” Nice. Am I supposed to kill myself now? The funny thing is: One of the guys who often told me that said in a discussion: “This girl will most probably be the first one who’ll get married and it will only be once.” I was stunned to hear this from him. What does that show? People don’t always mean what they say or say what they think.
“Is there any way to make you a bit meeker/softer?” Depends on the person. Some casanova can be sure that I will treat him like a nobody, if not worse. A respectable person (just got to know around 10 at this school) will just get to know the real of me.
“Are you not one of us?” Hmm.. I tried to be but failed. So, thank God I’m not!
“Have you ever fallen in love before?” The old ‘I’m-a-superficial-stupid-person’ question. Well, it’s really hard to fall in love with such people. Especially when you turn out to be ‘argal’ than most of them, so I’m excused.

My newest ‘theory’: Most people’s life is mainly about admiration and attention.
For example: What’s the point of proms? To spend a special evening with your schoolmates who you love so much? If it really was just about the personal side then people wouldn’t do it in hotels and pay around 50’000 LE just to rent the place. They could just go to some nice café and spend the evening there. But noooo. It must be something big: So the girls can have their dress and make-up competition “Who’s the prettiest girl with the nicest dress?” and so the guys show how macho and charming they are “Who’s the coolest guy?”
Often it’s exactly the people who say “I don’t care what others think about me” who are seeking admiration and attention because if you tell them “Just wear this great dress or shirt at home” they say “There’s no one at home. For whom should I be wearing it?” Oh, I thought they didn’t care but looks like they do (which is humane so I’m not blaming anyone).
Grown-ups aren’t much different, e.g. weddings. Why do some couples have to pay around 70’000 LE for one night?? To announce that they are married and spend a wonderful evening with their families and friends? They could do that without throwing lots of money down the drain. Especially when you get to hear that the bride’s dress costs around 25’000 LE. Why does she need to pay so much money for a dress she’s only going to wear once only? Ok, sure.. It should be something special, but I think one shouldn’t pay so much just for one night but spare it for more events.
Another example which will be accepted as true by almost everyone: When we choose a profile picture we choose the best photo. Why? So people say: "What a nice picture." (As I said, it's normal so I'm not accusing anyone but just pointing it out.)
I know "Allaho gamil you7ebou al gamal" but when this attitude gets out of control it can be one's doom and one may become so dependent on others' opinion that he loses himself.
So, lots of our actions and thoughts are controlled by the others.

Hmmm.. What else?
My cousin asked me how many friendships I gained thanks to my school. Turned out that there are only 4 people who I regard as real, close friends. Then there is this type of people who you respect and admire a lot and who knows, maybe someday they’ll become good friends too.
During school I enjoyed the discussions with my teachers much more than with my schoolfellows because the teachers understood me better. And the best thing was that I wasn’t forced to dumb my level of conversation 10 meters down. Of course, there are some pupils with whom you can have a nice, interesting conversation but then you find weaknesses like hypocrisy or furtiveness which can be quite abhorrent.
All in all, I think besides the knowledge I won during the last 13 years I also learnt what it means and takes to remain true to oneself and stick to one’s principles. Especially if you didn’t meet a single person who shares your attitude (who’s still at school). It’s not easy but it makes you stronger and that’s a good compensation, I suppose.

So, as this was my last post I want to thank all the ones who were visiting this blog (regularly and irregularly) and for their comments!
Don’t forget to remove me from your blogroll list (if you’ve added me)! =)
Farewell!

1 week left

On the 14th of May is my oral exam in Religion and on the 17th I will finally graduate from school.
Can't wait it!
Will write a post then (most probably a long one)about all the things of this one chapter which will be ended by the graduation party.

Exploding, hurt, just everything!!!!

Setting yourself a target gives your life a meaning. Not achieving it can make you feel miserable. And that’s what I’m going through right now.
I simply failed! Failed as I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted.
And what’s worse? I won’t get a second chance to catch up. I’m done with high school, I was seeking an Abi-average better than 1.5 which is impossible now and I’m mad at myself.

I’m mad because I wasted so much time trying to solve stupid friendship problems (in which I couldn’t achieve what I wanted either!!!)
I’m mad because I know that I could have done much better than that.
I’m mad because I didn’t get a grip in time and when I still had the opportunity to make a difference.
I’m mad because some megalomaniac’s paranoia will grow more than ever before.
I’m mad because I’ll be ending this chapter of my life like that.
I’m mad because I have the feeling that I screwed up, no, it’s not a feeling, it’s a damn true fact.
I’m mad because I can’t change anything about that any more.
I’m mad because I can’t believe how I let myself get so distracted by things which I couldn’t change anyway.
I’m mad because I totally messed up.
I’m mad because although I should be happy that I’ll graduate from school soon I’d do anything to get a second chance.
I'm mad because I have lost my self-esteem.

And above all: I’m mad because I’m even wasting more time by being mad and writing this!!!!!!

Dancing

Starting from Waltz and Foxtrot to Salsa and Merengue. You get to see these dance partner forms in movies like “Shall We Dance?”, “Take the lead”, etc.
Above all: the tango. I will never understand how two people who are not in love can dance it so passionate. Couldn’t imagine myself dancing like that (if I even succeeded) except with my husband. Maybe I should add that I’ve never danced with a guy before. Learned most of the dances by watching but postponing practicing them until Prince Charming appears.
Fortunately there are still these nice songs which allow you to dance without turning it into dirty dancing or having a partner.

So, to this day I only went to 5 parties where there was some dancing. The first one was in 7th grade and I was forced to go to it because I hadn’t talked to the birthday girl for half a year and her mother had called me herself to invite me so I went and voila: It was a dancing party and my friends had to grab around 4 times to the dance floor.
Second one was the Spring Ball of our school in 9th grade. There was this dancing course in which almost the whole 9th graders (and 10th graders) had taken part. I didn’t join it because 1) I couldn’t imagine that in the end of this course I will have danced with more than 30 different guys, including the ones I disrespect and 2) the fact that there would be a distance less than 30 centimetres between me and the guy. Actually it’s the same like the no-hug-guys-principle. And both weren’t rules which I forced myself to follow but it came naturally and I just couldn’t be something else then. Anyway, I went to the ball to see my friends and after their performance there was music to which everyone could dance so I just joined them.
In 11th grade there was this birthday party of a schoolmate. It was a disco party in the middle of Ramadan and I really didn’t feel like going or dancing at all but I had to go (as he’s a relative too) but was quite tense and couldn’t really dance.
In the second term of 11th grade an exchange student who I really liked gave her farewell party and it was a great evening, excluding that most of us could neither walk nor hear anything for hours after it.
The last occasion where I danced a bit, to be more precisely: for 6 minutes was the Abi-Ball 2006.
That’s all, except these occasions I never went to any dancing thingy because I neither go to discos nor to any clubs.

I was determined that my Abi-Ball would be the last ‘dance-in-public’ evening but as I’m not going any more I guess I will just implement this new principle right away.

”You’re not a girl but a man!” Hooooraaay!

Funny thing I noticed: When you tell a lad that he’s not a man he freaks out while if you tell a girl that she’s not girl it’s not that tragic although some may get hurt but unfortunately I’m not one of them.
Yesterday one of my classmates called me a ‘man’ and it was the 17236th time that someone tells me that. (“Enty mesh men el gens el na3em!/ Danty ragel! Shaklan mesh hatkallem bas sha7’seyyatan: Yalahwy!”)
And the weird thing is: I have never seen it as an insult.
And what is even weirder? I take it as a compliment.

My problem is: I usually speak my mind, even if the people will hate me for what I say. Of course I wouldn’t go to someone and tell her that her dress is ugly or something but for example if we’re discussing the organization of our Abi-prom and someone mentioned that drinking alcohol on this evening is a must he can be sure that I won’t just disagree but say lots of things which he won’t like to hear.
And this incident wasn’t just an example but it truly happened. It seems to be a tradition that people get drunk on their prom. Ok, maybe they are used to it and maybe the guys think it’s so cool and macho BUT if the ones who are so excited about this drinking thing are Muslims you cannot expect me to tolerate it, not even to accept it. Then there are these other Muslims who weren’t going to drink but didn’t mind the others to do what they want. “Everyone’s free to do whatever he wants!” Great attitude. Unfortunately this was one of the moments where I couldn't remain silent and had a big struggle with the guys. What drove me nuts wasn’t just that they are drinking though they are Muslims but more that they were announcing it so proudly.
“You can’t change the world and you can’t force to do what you think is right!” I had to hear this around 3712674th times during these two days (last years).
The part “what you think is right” is inapt because I bet there is no Muslim who would dare to tell me that drinking alcohol is justified in his religion. The least thing he can say is “I do not care!” but then he should also add “What I'm doing is wrong!” and he mustn’t let it look like what he’s doing is totally right and acceptable.
Anyway, the whole thing ended up with a clash between me and the guys and in the end I decided that I will simply not attend to my prom.
Some call me crazy “How can you skip your own prom!”, others think I’m too stubborn but I don’t see the point of attending to something which organization I don’t support.
Frankly speaking, the only two things I was looking forward to are 1) wearing my dress and 2) the last time to dance in public (another principle I’d like to add).
Number 1) will be postponed to any other suitable occasion and number 2).. Don’t know yet.

Back to the statement “You’re not a girl but a man!”.
The discussions are always quite interesting. Although “I have the shape of a girl” my character is a bit unfeminine because I’m too straightforward, because I don’t mind arguing with 10 people or more at the same time all alone and because I don’t worship guys.
Regarding the first point: Being “too straightforward”
I don’t know if it’s one of my strengths or one of my weaknesses. But I know that I can’t help it. I don’t mince matters. Besides, I usually think a lot before saying something and therefore once I take a step by saying or deciding something there’s no way back (except if it turns out later that it wasn’t the best decision after all and then I have to correct myself of course).
Second point: Being against the majority
If I’m totally sure of myself and of what I’m saying I won’t even care if the whole school is against what I’m saying. How can I be so sure that I’m right? By referring to my religion and I believe that relying on God’s rules is definitely a safer path than attaching importance to the mutable attitudes of human beings.
Third point: Not worshiping guys
I guess everyone is familiar with these self-absorbed, arrogant idiots who think they are so cool and great that they just have to click their fingers and immediately they are surrounded by a whole bunch of (stupid) girls who are willing to do anything for them. In my eyes, these are the most stupid, pathetic creatures on earth and it’s my pleasure to give them the feeling that they are nothing. Besides, I don’t face any problems saying that to them face to face. Of course, I don’t expect them to love me then but as they don’t mean anything to me I don’t really care.
My ‘friends’ were worried about me for a while that I may not be able to love a guy or get married and they are right: I will definitely (inshaa' Allah) never fall in love with one of the idiots who don’t even know what it takes ‘to be a man’ and carry responsibility.

So, if being like that makes me a 'man' I don't mind being one! ;)

Music or noise pollution?

Nowadays artists.. Ooops, I mean singers… No, one can’t even call them singers.. Ok, let’s call them pseudo-singers. What do they do? Or better: What can they afford?
Most of them were rescued thanks to the great invention called video clips. Why? Because you don’t have to sing any more but just have a great body and if you don’t you get some chicks, let them ‘dance’ and there you go with millions of dollars.
Starting from Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake to Fergie, 50 Cent and Paris Hilton.. They are ‘not exactly using their voice’ to get famous..
And then people wonder why I don’t watch music channels any more…
You may listen to their songs because of the beat or maybe it gets you in a dancing mood but after a couple of days/weeks you find yourself listening to something/someone else.
So, what can we say about most of the pseudo-singers we have right now? It’s rubbish what they’re presenting. In other words: Noise pollution.

Now a nice comparison..
If you listen to the songs of cartoons like “The Little Mermaid”, “Thumbelina” or “The Prince of Egypt” you’ll just get fascinated by the songs and the voices. The composers and the singers of the soundtracks are really admirable.
So, in movies, especially cartoons you get to hear better music than the rubbish which the music channels offers you.

Here you go with: “The Little Mermaid – Part Of Your World”

(First press play then pause and leave it until it has finished loading, so it doesn't buffer and you can enjoy it in spades.)

And now compare it with the one by Jessica Simpson (she ruined the song): (I really wonder what she was doing while singing.. Running amok?!)

What do you do when ...

… you are about to explode?
You wait until it is dark so that the people around you can enjoy a nice firework.

… you are about to commit suicide because some people make you feel miserable?
You just go and kill them so after it everything’s alright again.

… a giant wasp is in your room and there’s no one at home who can take care of it?
You have the perfect excuse to go and watch TV in your grandmother’s room as the wasp is sitting on your books and you’re too afraid to draw near.

… someone asks you why you can’t be quiet for a while?
You explain to him that you don’t have an absolute refractory period (Refrektärzeit).

… someone pities the person you will marry someday?
You tell him as he seem to be such a generous and good person you will marry him (the person who just said that) so no one else has to suffer.

… someone says that he wants to cut off your tongue so you finally shut up and can’t talk any more?
You tell him that it is useless because it will regenerate again like the lost limbs of a salamander.
And if he continues and says that he wants to cut off your head then you can refer to Hercules’ hydra and that each time he’ll cut off a head there will be three growing back. So, he’d better think about it again.

… you are about to fall asleep and someone comes in and asks you if you’re still awake?
You simply say no.

… someone who is not even your friend and asks you if you’re in love with someone or not?
You tell him that it’s him (the person who asks) and that it’s funny because you just noticed it.

… someone is getting on your nerves?
First you should warn him that he’s about to exceed your value of threshold (Schwellenwert) and that it can get quite dangerous and uncomfortable if he made you reach your action potential (Aktionspotential).

… someone is asking all the time: Does someone have a pencil for meeee? (emphasis on the ‘e’) (It’s usually the idiots you have in class.)
You tell him that you’d have one for everyone else except him.

Ok then, I guess that’s enough for now..

Fantasy keeps us alive!

The people who get in touch with me in real life know how this word affects me.
Especially in fights (not serious ones) I start arguing with this crazy philosophy which drives everyone mad. (Sorry about that! :$)
How I see it? I think if your arguments during silly fights are so serious and realistic it gets quite boring and they can turn into real fights later. (I have to admit they do anyways but it takes a longer while that way...)

Concerning being realistic…

The world is unfair. For example it’s a joke that some stupid football player gets much more money than a teacher or an architect whose works are times more useful than shooting some ball. Also this whole bunch of rich singers who ‘aren’t exactly just using their voice’ to get famous are not worth a rush compared to craftspeople or intellectuals.
So, if you’re aware of all these unjustifiable things you can get quite deceived, depressed and pessimistic.
Coevally living in your own fancy world where almost everything is done for you and there’s nothing you have to worry about, makes you indeed relieved and content but then you’re regarded as superficial and self-seeking.

So, where’s the mid-line? Or in other words: How can you keep this mid-line?

One of the things could be taking good care of the fantasy of your childhood.
And I neither mean the dreams that you might find a white horse with wings that will fly with you above all the clouds nor that you’d be able to turn into Superman but I’m referring to the dream of a better world. A world where you can achieve anything you want. A world where there are justice and sympathy. Without the hope that someday things will be better it’s very possible that one may fall in this underworld full of desperation and despair.

But fantasy has two pros: On the one hand it cheers you up and remains the childish feelings inside of you and on the other hand it gives you the strength to carry on with the anticipation for a better world, in which creation you want to take part.
And the will that makes you try over and over again keeps you alive because there will always be something you seek or want to improve and by that you feel alive.

Some may also call it optimism… Optimism is connected to fantasy because if you look on the bride side although it’s bad what you see or you do not even know what it is going to be like you are in need of some imagination. And this positive imagination is linked to fantasy.

So: Fantasy keeps the childishness in us alive! (Or at least mine!)

Accepting changes

Well, achieving this took me almost two years.
I usually hold on to memories and the people I grew up with. But during the last years I had to face the fact that things change and that one simply can’t change that.
For example I never thought that anything could cause real problems between me and my friends and I always believed we’d stay friends at least until we graduate from school.
The last thing I imagined was being forced to give up these friendships thanks to a few guys. And that’s what happened later. But it turned out that it wasn’t the new people who had entered our lives but something which had a bigger influence. Our characters had changed. Our moral principles had changed, the way of thinking and seeing things had changed, simply everything.
I kept struggling for two years not able to accept that (which was very stupid, I know) but in the end I finally understood that you can’t always change what’s going on in your surroundings.
Sometimes all you can do is either to withdraw from it or to be capable of dealing with it.
At the beginning I was sad that things turned out the way they did. Now I’m glad about it because changes mean new things, new experiences.

I guess that’s part of being alive.
As a matter of fact, that what makes every moment so special because you have no idea how long it will last.

What do you do with your last presentation?

This was my last presentation (around 90 minutes) for school. The small coloured papers are my notes.

Didn't know what to do after being done with it. So, that's the result:

And that's my attiude (see smiley in the middle):